What would happen if lying were the norm? Spouses wouldn’t be able to trust one another; leaders wouldn’t be credible; and the news would be meaningless. Everything, and I mean everything, depends on honesty. That’s why it’s so critical to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The truth is . . . we can’t build relationships if we mistrust what friends say; we won’t follow leaders if we mistrust what they do; and we can’t make good decisions if we doubt the accuracy of the information that we receive. Absent truth, instead of taking action, we’d spend our time looking over other people’s shoulders, second-guessing their intent, and unraveling the facts from the falsehoods. The result is that trust is shattered, reputations are damaged, and suspicion rules the day.
So, why do people lie? The reasons are countless. People lie to make themselves look better, steal the credit, cover up poor performance, conceal mistakes, deflect the blame, protect their reputations, and deceive and manipulate people. Regardless of the motive, the ultimate results are the same. As someone once said, “The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you’re not worth the truth.”
The Truth Is Not What It Seems, But What It Is
Dishonesty comes in many shapes and sizes. Of course, some people lie in error, in which they wholeheartedly believe their words when they’re spoken. Others tell bold-faced lies, knowing full well that they’re being deceitful. And still other people tell white lies, hoping to protect someone (often themselves) from the truth. Yet even though some of these folks may be well intentioned, it’s all lying just the same. How do you identify a lie? As a general rule of thumb, if your ears hear one thing and your eyes see another, use your brain — because something is obviously wrong. Here are some common forms of dishonesty that masquerade as acceptable behavior:
Misrepresentation. Distorting facts to consciously mislead or create a false impression. Spinning the truth, presenting opinion as fact, and using revisionist thinking or euphemisms to masquerade the truth are all forms of misrepresentation.
Omission. Leaving out key information to intentionally deceive someone. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Half the truth is often a great lie.”
Fabrication. Deliberately inventing an untruth or spreading a falsehood such as gossip or a rumor.
Exaggeration. Stretching the truth to give a more favorable impression.
Denial. Refusing to acknowledge the truth or to accept responsibility for a mistake or falsehood that was made.
Lack of transparency. Withholding information knowing that full disclosure will have negative consequences.
Redirection. Deflecting blame to another person to prevent personal embarrassment or responsibility.
False recognition. Stealing the credit for someone else’s hard-earned success.
Broken promise. Making a promise with no intention of keeping it.
Cover-up. Protecting the misdeeds of others. Those who provide cover for the misdeeds of others are as guilty as those who perpetrate the “crime.”
Hypocrisy. Saying one thing and consciously doing another. When words don’t match actions, someone is being dishonest with others or themselves.
Bait and switch. Attracting someone with an exciting offer only to divert them to an inferior deal.
Living a lie. Pretending that you are something you’re not.
Any way you cut it, when people distort the truth, they put their credibility at risk, while lowering their personal standards of honesty. Remember, BIG or small . . . a lie is a lie. Furthermore, a lie repeated many times doesn’t change the truth. Additionally, one or many believers don’t determine the truth or untruth. There’s no excuse for dishonesty. None. As someone once said, “The truth doesn’t cost anything, but a lie could cost you everything.”
Honesty: Truth Be Told
The value of honesty cannot be overstated. Every time someone lies, alarm bells aren’t going to go off and that person’s nose isn’t going to get larger (like Pinocchio’s), but something definitely happens. The liar may suspect that the only reason the customer said, “yes” to his proposal, the only way she dodged the blame, and the only reason the recipient of the lie thought highly of him or her was due to the lie itself. The question remains: Even though they fooled someone else, how do liars feel about themselves? The obvious truth is that they thought they didn’t deserve the outcome or else they would have told the truth in the first place. They may explain away the lie by telling themselves that everybody does it or that the lie fell in a gray area. But I must ask you, is that any way to live your life?
When you stand for honesty, you believe in yourself and everything you represent. When you stand for honesty, everything you say carries the voice of credibility. But, when you’re dishonest, your soiled reputation will do the speaking for you.
There are several things you can do to demonstrate honesty:
- Think before you speak.
- Say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Bend over backward to communicate in an open and honest fashion.
- Simplify your statements so that everyone clearly understands your message.
- Tell it like it is, rather than sugarcoating it.
- Present both sides of each issue to engender objectivity.
- If you have a personal bias or a conflict of interest, make it known.
- Tell people the rationale behind your decisions so that your intent is understood.
- If something is misinterpreted, quickly correct the record.
- Don’t shoot the messenger when someone tells you the truth. Thank them for their honesty and treat the information provided as a gift.
- Willingly accept responsibility by admitting a mistake or an error in judgment — in a timely fashion.
- Hold people accountable when their words do not match their actions.
- Never compromise your integrity and reputation by associating yourself with people whose standards of integrity you mistrust.
The truth shouldn’t be told only when it’s convenient. Honesty must be a way of life. Honesty means that you care deeply about trust, cherish your relationships, and value the importance of a solid reputation. Honesty means that you try to do your best and are willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Honesty means that you respect others enough to tell them the truth and that you value your opinion of yourself enough to never live a lie. As the saying goes, “It’s simple. Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you.” That’s why it’s critical to always tell the truth — or the truth will tell on you. Honest.
Tell Me the Truth. What Do You Think About Honesty?
Additional Reading:
Can Money Buy Respect?
Be Humble: Don’t Let Success Go to Your Head
Courage: No Guts, No Glory
Bluffing Your Way to the Top
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To tell you the truth, this post is very thought provoking! I have never seen Honesty and dishonesty outlined in such depth.
The different ways of being dishonest…… HONESTLY made me think DEEPER on this topic!
There is an enormous amount of WISDOM and INSIGHT and food for thought.
each dishonesty can be a topic on its own. each honesty can be a life lesson.
I feel this article is VERY important and should be revisited many times- because each time you can learn something new about yourself.
Thank you for what you do FRANK this world needs YOU. We need you.
Lolly
Hi Lolly
Thanks, as always, for your encouragement and support.
Sometimes honesty and integrity don’t get the play that they deserve because it’s hard to quantify the impact that they have on our lives. So much of what we do hinges on building trust with others. It’s hard, if not impossible, to have a meaningful relationship without honesty.
The truth is, when I wrote this post I was surprised by the sheer number of ways that people lie. It’s time to hold everyone accountable for telling the truth.
Best,
Frank
It is and will REMAIN a fact, honesty works, at HOME and at WORK,
It does pay off as YOU as a person DOES NOT feel frustrated, guilty, worried, cold swets, panic, it releases pressure on the MIND and SOUL.
Thank you in deed.
Frank,
There are so many thought provoking phrases here that should literally be engraved in stone. My favorite:
“The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you’re not worth the truth.”
Wow. Positively mind-blowing.
Thanks for sharing your words, talent and perspective Frank. This is among my favorite of your blogs, but I feel like I say that about everyone of them so imagine how the length of my “favorites” list. You provide a great service to everyone who reads your work – and that’s the plain and simple truth.
Hi Rossana
Thanks for your kind words.
My parents drummed the importance of honesty and integrity into our heads at an early age. So, I’ve been thinking about the importance of trust and integrity for a long time. I’m always taken back when people are surprised that two people have an “honest relationship.” I grew up thinking that was the rule, not the exception.
Thanks so much for sharing my posts with your colleagues. I appreciate it.
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank,
Telling the truth can be uncomfortable. Most shy in tough situations and lie to feel better. You outlined a few wonderful ways to tell the truth, and of course, how people lie too.
Excellent read, thank you,
Ryan
Hi Ryan
You’re right … telling the truth isn’t always easy. (Yes… sometimes the truth hurts) I’ve learned that honesty is a critical component of trust and respect. And, that means the world to me. So, I’m willing to withstand the short-term “hit” to strengthen the long-term relationship.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Frank this is one GREAT post on a critical subject. A few things spring to mind. One of the greatest enemies of the truth is self deception: when we lie to ourselves it becomes that much easier to lie to others. As a corollary to this, becoming an honest person depends as much or even more so on CHARACTER than it does on being able to intellectually discriminate between truth and fiction. It takes a brave and dedicated person to not just tell the truth but live it every day.
Finally I have a question: I admire this piece for your take no prisoners contention that lying is NEVER justified? Is this your actual position? Or would you make allowances for a manager, say, who “spins the truth” a bit about the quality of a subordinate’s work in order to encourage rather than crush?
Thanks again for an incredible post. Be re-reading this for days. Like Lolly above I don’t think I’ve ever seen the case for honesty laid out so well.
Hi Augie
Great question! To answer it generally, there are three types of lies 1) Lying in error 2) Bold-faced lies 3) White lies. I can categorically say that I don’t tell bold-faced lies. I’m sure I’ve lied in error or told a white lie to protect someone’s feelings. But, that’s a very slippery slope. And, honesty is very important to me.
To be more specific, people who’ve worked with me over the years would say 1) I’m tough, but fair 2) I wouldn’t ask anything of someone that I wouldn’t do myself. 3) I’m very direct with people — probably to a fault. 4) I provide ongoing feedback rather than once a year. So, you always know where you stand. 5) When I provide feedback my goal is to help. I don’t believe in “crushing” someone. –– especially if they’re trying. I believe if someone knows that you’re trying to help them, they’re more willing to accept your feedback. I hope that answers your question. If not, please lie to me 🙂
Thanks for furthering the discussion.
Best,
Frank
Frank, love your answers but in the interest of “continuing the discussion” I’d like to confess that I have at times lied in order to “serve a higher purpose.” Sometimes this lying is as trivial as pretending to be in a good mood in order to help morale even when I’m actually feeling pessimistic about the company’s prospects. Sometimes it means hiding some kinds of “bad news” in order to make sure it does not precipitate a “run on the bank.”
For example imagine I’ve just left a meeting where as part of some long term contingency planning we discussed a “worst case scenario” where some people might be laid off. Right outside the door I meet a co-worker who asks.”What did you discuss in the meeting?”
If I tell the whole truth he will of course assume layoffs are a sure thing and will not believe me when I say they were only part of a 1% worst case planning scenario. Soon everyone in the company will be in an uproar over “layoffs.” If I say “no comment” or “I’m not free to say” then his imagination may dream up even worse things with even more damaging consequences to morale.
So instead I “make up a story” or tell only a “half truth.” I “honestly” 🙂 believe that as long as there are such things as self fulfilling prophecies a policy of “just the truth, ma’m” can never be total. Winston Churchill could not afford to tell the English people the whole truth all the time and still win the war. And yes, this IS INDEED a slippery slope.
Hi Augie
Thanks for your thoughts. Once again you make some great points.
I hear what you’re saying and agree completely with your position. Here’s the rub … The leader withholds information for the “good of the company” while their real motive is hitting their quarterly bonus; The politician spins the truth for the “good of the country” yet their true intent is positioning themselves for the next election; The boss tells the employee they’re doing fine, while the real story is that he’s uncomfortable delivering bad news. The worst part about these scenarios is that they believe their own lies.
The difference is that in my examples, the individual “lied” for personal gain while in your examples their intentions were honorable. I still believe that there is a slippery slope –– Some people start out with good intentions and cross the line. That, my friend, is where character comes into play.
I hope I answered your question. Thanks again for enriching the conversation. Have an awesome evening.
Best,
Frank
The distinction of “why” behind the decision (yes, it is a choice to lie) is pivotal. I worry that lying has become the norm in our country, and worse, we are not teaching our children the power of truth. What baffles me is how common sense your words are, but yet how we have allowed personal gain to be okay. We have role models for lying for personal gain in abundance these days. I wish this could be a “course” taught in K-12, higher ed and corporate L&D, with structured accountability systems and consequences for personal choices.
Hi Carol
Your words ring so true. I also believe that children should learn the importance of honesty at an early age. Role models including parents, teachers, spiritual leaders, coaches etc. should take part in that effort. But we can’t stop there. It’s time for us to speak up and hold lousy role models accountable for their actions.
The first step in solving any problem is recognizing that there is one. The next step is doing something about it. The mission of this blog is to highlight the urgent need to reawaken a commitment to personal values and personal responsibility. Thank you so much for sharing the passion and recognizing the need to bring about change.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
There are 3 kinds of lies: Outright lying, Lying by omission, and Statistics…
Hi Frank-
This article inspired me to create a page on my blog dedicated to articles on Core Values. I see it as a resource for anyone who wants to learn and understand more about what it takes to be the person they WANT to be. I don’t know if there is already a something out there like it but my main intention is to help people who interact with my GPS Theory based Success Engineering services (personal, professional, organizational) to understand the meaning of the words they use to answer this powerful question: What words do you want other people to use to describe you and the life you’ve lived?
Thanks for inspiring this idea, Frank! I’ll be sure to look through your blog to see how many other gold nuggets there are to link to from my resource page!
BOOM!
Kind Regards-
Tom
Hi Tom
I’m so glad that this post inspired you to write about personal values. “We” need all the help we can get.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Thanks for this blog. Sometimes to achieve our goals, we exaggerate for some events to show our importance & lie to satisfy our boss. The worst enemy to honesty is the word “I know everything”. This is a weak point for unconfident person & may cost a lot as a result.
Kind regards,
AbdAllah
Hi AbdAllah
You’re right. Greed, ego and lack of humility often get in the way of success.
Best,
Frank
Wow! I love this list! The dishonest behavior is so subtle sometimes that we don’t overtly acknowledge it…these are great reminders of how insidious dishonesty can influence all aspects of our life.
Hi LaRae
You’re right. Some of these items are subtle and others overt. The key is that dishonest people trade short-term gain for trusting relationships.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Frank,
As a forensic evaluator for behavior health and the court systems, I encounter your list of deceptive techniques on a regular basis during my interviews. It is disheartening to me sometimes as a people helper how much energy people put into telling untruthful things.
I find that when others are “surviving” or “just existing” they are more inclined to tell mistruths. Those that are truly living, accepting themselves and their faults, and have an internal security are less likely to tell lies.
The problem with lying is the long term detrimental mental health effects that tend to attach themselves to others lives. I have often referred to chronic lying as “delusional denial” where recognition of the truth can no longer be recognized, because the brain connections have re-wired toward the un-real-ness of life.
Frank: Thanks again for a well thought out post. Have a great week, Brian.
Hi Brian
It’s great to hear from an expert on the matter. It’s interesting that you find that people who are “surviving” or “just existing” more inclined to tell mistruths. Then, what do some executives, celebrities or politicians have to say for themselves? It’s sad, and as you say, disheartening how much energy people put into telling untruths.
Thanks so much for advancing the conversation.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
…And that in a nutshell is what needs to be told..the truth for our society to get back on track. Truth, trust and honestly…. as usual so well said Frank!
Thanks Janet. There are three things that we can do to get back on track. First, we must live by the rules that we expect others to live by. Second we should teach the importance of honesty and integrity to our kids. Third, we must hold people accountable rather than turning a blind eye to dishonest behavior.
Have an awesome day.
Best,
Frank
Frank, What a terrific post. I find that in business there is so much time spent on “positioning” as a means of justifiying half-truths. Very dangerous… and will undermine credibility.
http://letsgrowleaders.com/2013/01/09/to-tell-the-truth/
Hi Karin
I wholeheartedly agree with you. Many leaders feel that they have to sell their way of doing things. I’ve found that when leaders shift their thinking from “my” problem to “our” problem, everyone pitches in to find the best solution. Plus, you get buy-in of the process. Thanks for your thoughts!
Have an awesome day.
Best,
Frank
Frank, What can I say about you? you are one of a kind human specie.
I love this post, because it points out the many ways one can be lying and not realizing it. I have a story to share, actually two similar stories.
I have lost three brothers, my father and my step father who practically raised us, so we loved him as our father. The second brother we lost, my mother had just came out of a big surgery and her health was very delicate or fragile. It was Christmas Eve’s we were cooking the dinner for that day, when we received the notice from my county. My sister my brother and I had a little reunion to see what was the best thing to do in this case, my mother was very fragile, she was recuperating from a big surgery and on top of all was suffering from a little depression at that time. It was a hard thing to do not only because we had to hide our emotions, I remember I wanted to cry so bad, and every time I will get close to my mother I would have to run and hide in the bathroom to cry and then put lots of make up so she would not noticed my tears. I remember saying to my self, how could I deliver such a painful news to her?? I saw her little face so sad, as if she knew deep inside but at the same time I saw hopes in her eyes. So we decided not to tell her until two weeks later when we talked to her doctor and her doctor advised us to tell her the truth. So you see there are circumstances in life that put us in places we don’t want to be and kind of forces us into doing things that goes against our moral, and values. Until this day I think we did the right thing at that time.
The second brother they had told us there was no hope they told us he only had days to live, we did not tell my brother or my mother that as well, because we thought it was enough pain the pain we were going through, we did not them to go through that pain as well.
So Frank what do you thing about our situation? what would you have done, tell the truth or how would you handle a situation like this??
Thanks for this posting, as always very appreciative to Learn from you
Hi Maria
Your family has been through a lot. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It’s certainly not up to me to judge, but I believe you did the right thing.
Let me go back to something that I said to Augie (above) “Here’s the rub … The leader withholds information for the “good of the company” while their real motive is hitting their quarterly bonus; The politician spins the truth for the “good of the country” yet their true intent is positioning themselves for the next election; The boss tells the employee they’re doing fine, while the real story is that he’s uncomfortable delivering bad news. The worst part about these scenarios is that they believe their own lies.”
The difference is that in my examples, the individual “lied” for personal gain while in your situation you withheld the truth out of love. There’s no need for you to doubt your intentions. They were honorable and come from a loving heart.
There is a slippery slope when it comes to honesty –– Some people start out with good intentions and cross the line.
Best,
Frank
I am part of the Quaker community where truth is part of it’s value. What I find within this community is that truth is perceived in very different ways which can suggest that a person has lied. When the truth can’t be found opinions replace it. Those opinions seem to come from the spirit of the person. How do we recognize what is in ourselves can be so different in other without calling it out as being dishonest?
Hi Steve
I must confess … I’m not familiar with the Quaker norms around truth and honesty. I’m not comfortable commenting. I did find this passage which I found interesting.
“Speaking the truth is so central to Quaker belief that Quakers have always refused to take oaths. Since they are expected to tell the truth at all times, they reject the idea that there are two standards of truth—one for everyday concerns and one for the courtroom. The prick of conscience that comes with the violation of truth is a reminder that integrity is the first principle of life, . . . Truth-telling simplifies life – Lying burdens and complicates life.”Robert Lawrence Smith, A Quaker Book of Wisdom
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
A well written blog Frank!..
I completely believe that honesty should be a way of life.Satisfaction & self respect we have with such a life is invaluable.
Truth be told & truth be listened whatever the circumstances may be.That is basis of each relationship.
I think spreading rumour is also dishonesty.
Thanks for writing the blog.
Pratap
Hi Pratap
Thanks for your thoughts.
I’m glad that you brought “self respect” into the equation. People with character listen carefully to their conscience. The truth matters to them. For them, the downside of dishonesty isn’t that they’ll be caught, it’s that they have to live with themselves for the rest of their life.
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
Thank you for a great article, Frank.
Truth is so often overlooked, but is the single most important pillar in Life, Love … and business!
Love from South Africa.
Phil
Hi Phil.
I’m so glad you like the article. You’re right, “Truth is overlooked.” That may be because things like honesty, trust, creativity, and courage are hard to measure –– So, we discount their value. The truth is, they’re instrumental to success in all facets of life.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
This is one of the most important concepts for all humans. It’s the center of what the bible tells us and psychology validates. Truth saves, and it’s THE ONLY WAY to LOVE. Jesus symbolizes TRUTH and God is LOVE. Love without truth is a volatile thing. I believe the Old Testament shows us the problems that arise when love is not coupled with truth– The New Testament shows us the benefits of TRUTH manifested & utilized.
Hi MsDusty
I’m glad you’re passionate about the truth. I am too. I don’t tell the truth for fear of getting caught. I tell the truth because I have to live with myself and can’t accept anything less. It’s part of my DNA.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
Excellent post Frank.
Although I’ve been on a journey of exploration for many years now, I began exploring the topic of truth back in February of 2013 when I launched a blog series called ‘The Quest for Truth’ http://tweetconnection.com/2013/02/25/the-quest-for-truth/
Actually, I mentioned you in this post because one of your tweets inspired a paragraph on this very post! : )
One of the things I’ve found when it comes to the topic of truth, honesty, and integrity is that it is surprisingly something most people BELIEVE in as an ‘idea’ yet very few people believe in enough to PRACTICE. Or people mistake the BELIEF in the idea as the practice in and of itself.
And this is the invitation for us all. If the truth is good and if it sets us free, why aren’t more people telling the truth? Why are people so afraid to be honest with one another?
Or why is honesty good for other people to do and live up to but not always the leaders who expect it?
There’s a great divide between the dream and reality of honest communication that is exchanged with integrity.
This is our mission and challenge in the world today. To stop making a mockery of the most important and foundation principle that is the building block of trust in our relationships.
Without trust, everything falls apart.
Thanks for sharing Frank.
So true Samantha.
One of the reasons people lie is that they think (or hope) that others won’t find out.
What amazes me is that they’re willing to sell their soul to get what they want. How do they respect themselves the next day?
I’m so glad that you’re talking and writing about truth. You’re making a difference.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
I am having a moral dilemma. In reading about lying, dishonesty, truth, and honesty… is it not possible to make an honest mistake when asked a question? If someone asks me a question, and I provide the wrong answer (but truly believe it is the correct one), am I lying? What if, when the correct answer is pointed out, I admit I made a mistake? I have gotten into serious disagreement with my spouse about this – she says I lied to her; I said I made a mistake, and admitted it as soon as the true facts became apparent. She says – it doesn’t matter – I lied, and cannot be trusted.
I have read opinions supporting both viewpoints.
In my opinion, a lie is a deliberate attempt to provide incorrect information (in other words, the liar knows what they are saying is or may not be the truth/correct, but asserts is as the truth/correct). The INTENT is the significant factor. How can anyone hold anyone else to be perfect?
Hi Steve
I believe that dishonesty is a deliberate attempt to to mask the truth.
The first step in resolving conflict is to air it out in the open and discuss it.
Best,
Frank
This is a great article. Never thought about all the facets of lying. Really helpful in what I am dealing with in my life at this point. Thank you!!
Thanks Lincoln. I’m glad you like it. One of the reasons why I broke out several forms of dishonesty is to discourage folks from claiming that some lies are less bad than others. Remember, big or small … a lie is a lie.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank,
I just stumbled across your article and it was a good read. I despise liars so much and it’s a pity that I know so many of them. It’s really hard to trust the things that they say and it makes certain interactions with them extremely unpleasant. I was just wondering though, what you thought about lying about something for the sole intention of not to cause trouble? For example, if my mum and dad had split up, and mum was always talking about dad in a hostile way. Then, one day dad comes along and asks me if mum has been saying anything degrading about him. We know that lying is wrong and frowned upon, but does it become acceptable if I was to tell him “no” because that could cause havoc between the two? Even though I, with all my soul, hate when people lie, I feel, if it has to be done, this is the only slightly acceptable way to do it. What are your thoughts? Thanks for your time.
Hi Khoder
I completely understand your dilemma. While many people would say that it’s reasonable to tell a white lie in this situation, I personally wouldn’t subscribe to that practice. My concern is that that today’s white lies become tomorrow’s bad habits. If it were me, I’d tell my parents that I love them very much and that I’d appreciate it if I wasn’t placed in the middle. While this may not answer their question directly, it may also prevent this situation from happening again. I hope that answered your question
Best,
Frank
Liars use truths to lie so never give them credit for your life
Andrew —
As Senator Patrick Moynihan said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
Happy New Year.
Frank
Excellent work Frank! Good job!
Thanks Robert. I’m glad you like it.
Best,
Frank
Excellent description for why one’s integrity matters,not only to others, but most importantly to themselves.
So, to test your conviction for personal integrity I have a basic question. Who did you support in the primaries, Clinton or Sanders?
Once again, thank you for the very thoughtful article about honesty.
Cheers,
Skylar
Thanks for your kind words, Skylar. I’m glad you like the post.
With regard to the election, I promised myself several things when I started this blog. First, I want to be positive rather than negative. So, you’ll never see me bad-mouthing a person nor organization on this blog. Second, you’ll never see me endorse nor slam a politician or political party. (I’ll leave that to others) My goal is to reawaken our commitment to character, values and personal responsibility.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
I happened to come across your blog site when searching for those who lie by “omission.” To me, many of their “omissions” are very deceitful and just as bad as a “bold faced liar.”
I really enjoyed this brilliant thought provoking blog. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, thoughts and comments.
Kind regards,
Rose
Great point, Rose. Failing to disclose something, in whole or in part, is dishonest. As I like to say, ““Half the truth is often a whole lie.” Thanks for dropping by. I hope to see you again soon 🙂
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank. I Have been reading your blog’s and have been inspired to tell you and others my story.It stretches out to 60yrs my age.I will try to shorten it down somewhat.We imigrated from the Uk to Australia in 1964,Mum Dad and my 3 brothers and sister.We travelled around Australia for the next 10yrs,sounds great doesn’t it.Well if you want to sacrifice foundation,stability,education,etc etc,go for it.During this time all us kids were learning from our parent’s all the wrong things,this i think sent me on a path of self destruction,ie failed marriage,hoodwinked into a poedaphile situation,multipul relationships,drinking.About a year ago i made a promise to myself to be brutaly honest,and be the same with others.I can say with all honesty that i feel my life has changed for the better and heading in the right direction.Thanks for listening.John.
Hi John
Thanks for sharing. I’m so glad that your story had a happy ending. You proved that we’re never too old to learn. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Can we have honesty without following the rules. Does honesty have any relation with compliance with rules
Hi Maha
Honesty is the aspect of moral character that deals with respect for and adherence to the truth. On the other hand, integrity is doing the right thing –– which includes adherence to the rules and laws of society. Thanks for your thoughts.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Hi! I am doing a report on Honesty in the Age of Reason. Could you happen to help me with that?
Hi Patches
Please send me a brief email highlighting what you have in mind.I can be reached at frank@franksonnenbergonline.com.
Best,
Frank
Frank excellent post, thanks.
I teach a class in Ethics and found unethical practices often run parallel with lying. We all know that people lie, but why? In my quest to uncover why, I found it rooted in three distinct behaviors: Ethical Behavior, Moral Behavior, and Pragmatic Behavior.
Ethical Behavior
Based in rules and laws, we have a complete court system to discover whether someone charged with breaking these laws have lied or not.
Few of us, when pulled over for speeding, haven’t attempted to lie our way out of it.
Moral Behavior
It’s a sin to lie. Faith and values based, starting with how we were programed as a child by our parents. Their behavior, what they believed to be true, liked or disliked, accepted or rejected, said or didn’t say, what they chose to wear, drive, and eat became a meta model to us as children.
Moral behavior and parental messages are an integral part of who we are today. We unconsciously adapt these imprinted behaviors as our choice.
When I was about ten, our doorbell rang and my mother said, “It’s a salesman. Tell him I’m not home.” My mother, who washed my mouth with soap for lying. Taught me it’s okay to lie to a salesman.
Pragmatic Behavior
Ego and or entitlement based interpretation of reality and truth. When lying, contextual reframing to justify it is used. “It was a little White Lie. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.”
Example: Wife, “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Husband, (Reframe) “No sweetie, you make every outfit look beautiful.”
Being happily married for over 40 years, I must say this is the right answer!
Daily, ‘High Profile Personalities’ exhibit ‘Pragmatic Behavior’ partly because of public adoration and partly because no one tells them otherwise. After awhile, they actually feel they have different standards than the minions not to mention how Media plays to their ego.
A reporter confronted Donald Trump with, “Didn’t you bankrupt Trump Casino in Atlantic City?” He answered, “I made Atlantic City a lot of money.” He justified his actions then reframed it so as not to be called a lie.
Lance Armstrong — Just look how long he perpetrated the lie regarding ‘doping’. Here’s his justification, “… everyone was doping… I was just leveling the playing field.”
And the list goes on:
Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Martha Stewart, Charlie Sheen, Brian Williams, and Paula Deen!
Even Jell-O Pudding Pop, Dr. Huxtable himself, Bill Crosby.
We may have a dominant behavior; nevertheless, all three reside within us. It seems that Truth is on trial and lying becomes the norm.
What is the answer as to why people lie? Habit.
Ethically we don’t want to be found guilty.
Morally we know lying is wrong. However, Mom did it, my priest did it, so I’ll do it and pray for forgiveness later.
Pragmatically, is lying needed to get ahead? Well that depends on what the meaning of “is” is.
Rossi
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for advancing the conversation. I thoroughly enjoyed your perspective. I encourage everyone to read it.
I hope to see you again soon 🙂
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank.
My study is going deeper on honesty with your article.
My favourite quote is of the Benjamin Franklin’s “half the truth is often a great lie”
I also like a type of dishonesty as such “withholding information knowing that full disclosure will have negative consequences”. Because i’m victim of that type.
Tell me one thing how we get unaffected from manipulatI’ve people, which emotionally fools us?
Somya, india, rajasthan
Hi Somya
I’m glad this post helped you with your research.
As I said, it is dishonest to intentionally withhold information to deceive someone. If people care about their credibility and reputation, desire the respect of friends and family, or want to be taken seriously in life…trust matters. The truth is, trust takes a long time to develop, but can be lost in the blink of an eye.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
I found this outline a great tool for the young men we are working with. This does an exceptional job at shining the light into the ‘gray’ areas of dishonesty. It has been out objective to speak plainly through all aspects of our lives.
Excellent!
Thank you David
You are doing your young men a tremendous favor by talking about the importance of honesty. It will benefit them for their entire life.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank,
I love your posts…honesty has always been very central to me throughout my life. I have found that not everyone appreciates it though particularly if they are not being honest with themselves !
Being authentic is a way of life and defines me. I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I do have I have had for many years because our friendship is based on trust.
It would never be my intention to hurt anyone but I will always be honest with them.
Thanks for your wise words.
Liz
Liz
You have a wonderful philosophy and attitude toward life. I applaud you 🙂
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
I recently found myself in a situation where a number of people around had various secrets that they confided to me. At first that was fine, I was happy that people trusted me enough to confide their secrets to me. But over time, as a result of the various secrets among these people, relationships became more and more complicated, and more and more difficult and trust among the group deteriorated more and more. Eventually, I got to the point where I could not take it anymore and I started refusing to keep anymore confidences and I started doing what I could to untangle the web of secrets where I could do so without betraying confidences.
I now am very reluctant to become the keeper of confidences. I have now adopted the belief that the problem is not that people expect me to keep their secrets but that they have secrets to keep in the first place. If your life is full of secrets, you have to ask yourself if you are truly living life properly. People who live their lives with honesty and integrity should have very few secrets.
I recognize that this is cannot be an absolute rule. There are some secrets that people do need to keep. None-the-less, someone whose life is full of secrets is not someone I necessarily want in my life. Nor do I want to be the kind of person who feels the need to keep a lot of secrets.
A secret is, after all, very often just another form of lie.
Hi Robert
It’s tough when people share their inner-most secrets with you because it may place you in an uncomfortable position. But here’s the other side of the coin…When people confide in you, they’re placing their trust in you and letting you know that they value your thoughts.
On a personal note, I don’t like to keep secrets. I don’t feel I have anything to hide.
Thanks for your thoughts. Have an awesome weekend!
Best,
Frank
Honesty and Integrity have to be taught at home. Clearly, these values don’t exist in government or corporate America today. There is no grand recognition for those choosing to live a life of integrity other than for the individual themselves. As such, our consolation is a lonely but worthy venture. Peace of mind about who you are is a great one….
Hi Mark
I understand how you, like so many others, feel that too many people lack honesty and integrity today.
It’s important that we serve as positive role models, spread the word that moral character matters, and hold people accountable for their actions.
Living with honor is its own reward. What’s more valuable than being able to look into the mirror each day with a clear conscience?
Thank you for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Honesty IS the Best Policy
The first sentence of this blog really says all we need to consider about honesty: “What would happen if lying were the norm?” In my experience, the people who become the most outraged about being lied to are the very people who are themselves deceptive. The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” does not seem to apply to the dishonest. This is glaringly obvious in the movies when a villain stabs others in the back, but when someone is disloyal to them, the villain is vengeful. The very fabric of society would disintegrate if honesty was not the moral norm, and this is certainly true in the business setting.
In his essay “A Framework for Understanding Organizational Ethics,” O. C. Ferrell enlightens that some research supports the suspicion that many businesspeople do in fact live with two conflicting sets of rules—one for business and one for their lives outside of work (2004). This notion is alarming, and suggests that people are more apt to want to bend the rules to make a buck in the business setting, but they would not partake in the same behavior in their personal life.
Honesty is what keeps the world spinning—not deception or deceit, and it is refreshing to read a blog that champions honesty! Integrity in the marketplace appears to be sinking farther and farther down the drain, as evidenced by the many scandals that have come to light in the past two decades. However, there are many companies who pledge to always do the right thing, no matter the consequences, and it is these companies and businesspeople who are shining stars in an increasingly unsettled world.
Lying may one day become the norm, and for some it already is, but I pray that this does not continue—and we must each do our part to ensure that honesty reigns supreme, no matter the setting!
Hi Christina
I believe strong moral character can’t be turned on and off like a light switch (home or business). In my mind you have it or you don’t.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
I am being very dishonest, but I would not say that I am an evil or bad person or that I lie because of conscious intentions. I just came from a very religious and socially poor background while being gay and an immigrant (from Morocco to the Netherlands). I had difficulties being with other people and started lying about myself at a very young age. I started lying about my family, my sexuality (of course) and also really disliked my name (Ahmed) so took on different names which made it even worse.
Now I am this point where I constantly isolate myself from everyone (family and colleagues) and always tend to lie. I really feel like a dishonest person who wants to completely withdraw from life and live as a witch/wizard somewhere outside of town (to put it symbolically) and probably be seen as a freak/outcast. Why I choose to say as witch or wizard is because of my spiritual attainment that I think I have. I transcended religion and do know that there is so much more to life.
P.S. don’t get me wrong, I am a good-looking young man with a masters degree and a good job, but I just can’t be myself.
There is great truth to the saying, “Be who you are and say what you feel because people who mind don’t matter and people who matter don’t mind.”
The most important person to be honest with is yourself. Be proud of who you are and what you represent. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Dear Frank,
I have been divorced for two months, and I just found out that she was in an (at least emotional) extramarital relationship with another man. After digging through phone records, I was able to piece together their relationship to its start.
I believe in honesty and I don’t want to lie to my son (9) about our now unfortunate situation when he gets older and starts asking questions. I care about my son deeply and am going to not share with him that his mom 1) covered up her relationship, 2) lied to me about the reason for divorce, and 3) chose to break our family up because she wanted to pursue someone else regardless of our family’s needs.
My ex wants me to cover up these truths even if my son asks me when he is an adult. I am not going to tell him unless he asks me. I don’t want to lie. I want to focus on being my son’s dad, but I also want to maintain my integrity.
What would you suggest in this situation? Should I lie to my son and take it to my grave? Part of me believes he needs to know should he ask.
~Andy
Hi Andy
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. Unfortunately, I can’t give you advice on this particular issue. I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you and your family.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank