“I promise.” “I’m sorry.” “Trust me.” “I HATE you!”
While it takes only a few words to make someone feel really special, words poorly chosen have the power to destroy a valuable relationship, tarnish a reputation, or become the cause of endless embarrassment.
Yet in today’s fast-paced world with its cryptic, sound-bite mentality, we’re more likely to sacrifice sensitivity for speed and quality for quantity. This leaves our listeners to sort out for themselves the consequences of our ill-considered remarks.
Sure…we spend our days juggling fifteen balls in the air, running our kids to and from activities, and cramming as much as we can into the day. Come on…who has the time?
Well, if you care about your relationships, it’s imperative to understand that words do matter.
A Word to the Wise
Although we never seem to be at a loss for words, quality communication doesn’t seem to be a priority today. We rarely give it a second thought when we open our mouths before thinking, knowingly twist someone’s words, or fail to follow through after making a promise.
We also say things without recognizing that our words have consequences; we spread rumors with or without malicious intent; and we commonly use buzzwords and phrases that are so worn-out they’ve lost their original meaning over time (I call them “wordles”).
How to Make An Apology
“I’m Sorry.” When did the phrase “I’m sorry” morph into “I’m sorry, but…”? If you are sincerely sorry and want to apologize, then do so, without reservation. It takes an individual of true integrity to admit when he or she has erred. If you’re not truly sorry, why not just skip the apology and avoid compounding the problem?
“I made a mistake.” “I was wrong.” How many times do people apologize for making a mistake, only to repeat the act again later? It’s as though our conditioned response is to apologize without realizing that we’re making an implied promise not to repeat the mistake again.
There are two kinds of mistakes: unavoidable and intentional. If your computer goes down or you have a family emergency, then missing a deadline may be unavoidable. If, however, a mistake is deliberate or worse, unethical, simple words of apology just won’t cut it.
Eat your words. Did you ever regret saying something unfortunate? Some people let words slip off their tongue without realizing the consequences. Sometimes a little discretion can save you from a very embarrassing situation. Even so, words of apology may be the best remedy.
In this same spirit, when someone trusts you with sensitive information, guard the secret or be prepared to lose that person’s trust.
Words of Acknowledgment
“Please” and “Thank you.” Today’s economic downturn has spawned more cutthroat behavior with less time for courtesies.
Truth be told, with the same speed at which technology has swept the world, manners have been swept under the proverbial rug. I’m left wondering, is this rudeness the result of today’s angst or a trend of indifference that has evolved over time?
While it doesn’t take much effort to say “please” and “thank you,” some people forgo these pleasantries because they simply don’t know better, while others apparently feel these words are beneath their “pay grade.” How much effort does it take to show some gratitude for a job well done? (It’s not as if you’re being asked to solve world hunger.) The truth is, if you’re too busy to say “please” and “thank you,” don’t be surprised if others are too busy to help you in the future.
Words of Honor
“I promise.” “Trust me.” Whenever you say, “trust me” to someone, you imply that you’re worthy of their trust. Some people, however, think that breaking a small promise doesn’t count. Since trustworthiness is earned over time, it only stands to reason that if you break any promise, you shatter the trust you’ve earned. The fact is, the words “I promise” and “trust me” put your integrity on the line. Don’t use them if you don’t mean them.
Your word is your bond. Words establish expectations and form the foundation of trust. The last time she said, “I promise,” did she keep her word? Can he keep a secret? Does he stand behind his commitments? Are they being straight with me?
“Can you do me a favor?” Stop and think before you ask someone to do you a favor. Is your request reasonable? Are you putting a friend in an uncomfortable position? Are you becoming too reliant on the same individual? Inappropriate requests destroy relationships.
A play on words. Twisting words, dancing around the truth, or telling a white lie produces the same result — the loss of trust and credibility. Excuses such as “everybody does it,” “it was only a white lie,” or “I only stretched a few small details,” don’t cut it. Once you misrepresent the truth, everything that you say in the future may be suspect.
Fighting Words
Spread the word…Gossip is a disease spread by word of mouth. If you’re saying something behind someone’s back, it’s only a matter of time before you’re saying it behind mine. Nothing more need be said.
“I HATE you!” Just as you can hurt someone with your fist, you can also hurt someone with words. Be careful where you point your mouth.
Words of Wisdom: Lessons to Be Learned
At a loss for words? Some people avoid personal confrontation at all cost, while others feel sheepish telling someone how much they really care. People aren’t mind readers. There’s no way for people to know how you feel unless you tell them. Many relationships fail because we don’t communicate properly. The question is, if you fail to say what’s on your mind, will you regret it once you’ve lost the opportunity — perhaps forever?
Words are permanent. Once words leave your mouth, they are impossible to retract. Words stand the test of time. For example, the Bill of Rights (a mere 413 words) has served as our country’s beacon since 1787.
@#%^%*?%! Just because you are mouthing words doesn’t mean that you’re saying anything. Some people use jargon to impress their friends and colleagues. You may as well be talking to yourself. Actually, you are.
Actions speak louder than words. Saying something doesn’t make it so. Consider the many ways we have of pointing out that words alone don’t tell the whole story. Sayings such as, “practice what you preach,” “talk is cheap,” “talk a good game,” and “walk the talk,” all say the same thing — that your actions will either confirm or contradict your words.
Effective communication requires more than choosing your words carefully. Words, after all, have at least two meanings: what you intend to say and what the listener thinks you mean. Effective communication also requires that your words be in sync with your body language and the tonality of your voice. If these non-verbal signals do not reinforce your statement, you are probably sending mixed messages. As discussed, words must also be supported by visible action.
If you don’t back up your words with visible action, don’t expect people to believe what you’re saying.
Make Your Words Count
According to UCLA research, 55 percent of meaning in an interaction comes from facial and body language and 38 percent comes from vocal inflection. Only 7 percent of an interaction’s meaning is derived from the words themselves. This is confirmed by MIT research that says it is advisable to use electronic communication, such as texting, tweeting, and e-mail, only to transmit and confirm simple information. Employees, however, increasingly rely on text messages for nuanced conversations that really ought to be said face-to-face, or at the very least, on the phone.
We have a choice…make a better effort to communicate properly or spend more time doing damage control.
Although we say we don’t have time for quality communication, we seem to have all the time in the world to try to repair a misunderstanding, patch up damaged feelings, mend a wounded relationship, restore a blemished reputation, apologize for shooting off our mouth, or reorganize after working at cross-purposes.
If you’re thinking that it’s time to slow down because there’s too much at stake — you took the words right out of my mouth.
What Do You Think?
Additional Reading:
Meaningful Conversations Don’t Happen By Chance
How to Make Your Words Meaningful
9 Barriers to Effective Communication
Do You Want to Be Heard or Understood?
Ways to Say You Care
You’re Entitled to My Opinion
How to Improve Your Conversation Skills
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Effective communication is so important and increasingly becoming a lost art. Thanks for reminding us of its worth.
You have some terrific insight here Frank, and the UCLA research really hits home as well. How many times have our words been misinterpreted when sent electronically? Perhaps schools should start teaching courses in netiquette.
great—we definitely need to slow down.
I think if we all just remember to do what you say, and say what you mean- the world would be a better place. These days, it often sets you apart.
I tend to speak my mind- maybe I should do what I am teaching my boy to do when the light turns green- count to two and then- maybe- proceed.
Wow….I love this gem:
“According to UCLA research, 55 percent of meaning in an interaction comes from facial and body language and 38 percent comes from vocal inflection. Only 7 percent of an interaction’s meaning is derived from the words themselves.”
I always thought this to be true but never knew this in numbers. I have been guilty myself of using written communications where verbal or face to face would have proved much more useful not to mention genuine. Lessons I learned and mistakes I hope not to repeat. Thanks again Frank.
ALL your blogs are reminders on how we should behave as human beings.
Great comments! We all spend our lives running so fast that it’s easy to fail to make the time to communicate. (We find the time, however, to pick up the pieces.) On another note, it didn’t surprise me that 55 percent of meaning in an interaction comes from facial and body language and 38 percent comes from vocal inflection. I think we’re going to hear more about the impact that electronic communication has on relationships in the not too distant future.
An important phrase some people often neglect to say in response to someone thanking us is: “You are welcome” Instead some people respond using the odious phrase “No problem” which diminishes the “Thank you!” It’s a personal affront.
Also, some people say “No problem” in response to a suggestion or request, i.e., “Could I please have a glass of ice water?” This beg’s the rhetorical question: “Do you believe I intended to cause a problem for you by asking for ice water?”
Frank, as always, another great piece of observation on the human condition. Stay the course my friend!
Since the best understanding comes from body and facial response and vocal inflection, we can hope that video conferencing and programs like Skype will continue to improve, thereby improving electronic communication overall. While there is nothing as heartwarming or effective as face-to-face this brave new world of ours makes that more and more of a rarity.
I agree. Creighton–I must admit I say no problem all the time. I’m going to make a concerted effort to say “your welcome” in the future. Thanks all for your comments.
Frank, I really enjoyed your piece. All of your points are
well taken. The “words of acknowledgment” section has struck a particular chord in me. Over the last year or so, I have often said that the downturn in our economy has brought about a display of bad manners between people and after reading your piece I realize I’m not the only one who feels this way. Please keep writing and sharing your wonderful insights.
It’s never a mistake to be patient, friendly, courteous, and, of course, sincere. People are pleasantly surprised when you take the time to treat them well, and they’ll usually go the extra mile in their interaction with you.
The beauty of relating to others in a thoughtful way is that it doesn’t take any more time or effort than it would to be rude and/or thoughtless. Our life isn’t that fast-paced that we can’t take the time to be human to one another … and doing so makes you feel good about yourself.
Julie / George –Well said! Thank you for your comments : )
nice article, keep the posts coming
I’ll have to go back and read all your previous posts now.
Thanks for the kind words : )
Never has so many words made so much sense.
Thank you
Frank,
Very thoughtful post. Dale Carnegie once said “As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” I guess for most of us, the journey to reach this wisdom is the painful part!
Peter
Tenderun / Peter
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Peter. Great quote. Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
Best,
Frank
And you, took the words right out of mine. A great post.
Great post. I am bookmarking your blog under “Creative Thinkers”—-one of the highest compliments I can give these days. I love reading posts from highly successful people who work hard, think creatively— and do it with grace and compassion. Thank you!
Hi Kate
Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to write me. You made my day 🙂 I hope to see you back soon.
Have an awesome Sunday.
Best,
Frank
Great post Frank.
As I was reading through your examples, I have an important piece to effective communication. And it has to do with genuine honesty.
Example, sometimes people will vacillate between two different extremes by withholding how they really feel (an honest truth that expresses when ‘this’ happened… I felt ‘x,y,z’) in order to ‘go through the motions’ of what would ‘seem’ like polite and kind conversation. Yet it misses the whole point. Without the person taking 100% responsibility for how they feel and bringing that to the table of discussion… neither side can address the conflict, situation, or whatever is going on.
How often have you had people expect YOU to vulnerably disclose what you think and feel but you are constantly met with ‘everything is beautifully gloriously and I’m so very thankful ‘ even though the average person would NOT be reacting or responding that way in the SAME situation?
Integrity has to be part of good communication. Genuine connection cannot happen without it.
Sometimes people fear conflict TOO MUCH when that might be exactly what is needed…or the opportunity that comes in the disguise of conflict. Yet when people don’t take responsibility for how they REALLY feel and honestly declare it so it’s on the table, they prevent REAL connection with the other person.
Now also consider, the other person doesn’t have to AGREE and may not even hear you. Yet assertiveness demands honesty for effective communication and good relationships.
Thanks for the great post Frank.
Hi Samantha
You make a very valid point. Too many of us couch our words because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or because we’re simply trying to be politically correct.
One of the greatest attributes of a good friendship is to be honest and straight-forward. As you say, “Integrity has to be part of good communication. Genuine connection can not happen without it.”
Thanks for your insight and for advancing the conversation.
Best,
Frank
Exactly Frank.
You wrote:
‘One of the greatest attributes of a good friendship is to be honest and straight-forward’
This is what it’s all about. Without honesty, we can’t build and maintain good friendships. If our relationships aren’t progressing into strong bonds of friendship (beyond superficial surface talk), more often then not it’s due to a lack of honesty on one or both sides.
And if one person tries to be honest and the other is not, it makes more work for the honest person because it’s like pushing a rope. It takes too much time and energy to maintain relationships marked by various degrees of dishonesty.
If we want to build great relationships in ANY capacity? (Be they friendship, business connections, or marriage) Honesty needs to be the foundation.
Thanks for providing the forum to help me articulate these things Frank. : )
Your point is right on the mark Samantha. Please don’t thank me for providing the forum, thank YOU for your contribution. I appreciate it.
Have an awesome weekend!
Best,
Frank
Hi, and thank you for another great learning experience for me in reading your post Frank and all the comments. The last two comments by Samantha were particularly helpful to me today.
Sincerely, Kathyb
Hi Kathy
I agree that Samantha’s comments are spot-on.
I’m glad that you read the comments. I not only enjoy the give-and-take, but how everyone furthers the discussion.
Best,
Frank
So profound Frank! As a recent damager of a relation due to exactly the reasons cited in this blog, I can vouch for all of these mistakes. And electronic communiction has been my biggest nemesis. I so wish I had seen this article a week earlier!!
But your blog on ” Ways to say you care” will certainly help me further!! God bless you Frank! keep being the lamp in that dark night that you are to the lost souls like me!! Seriously!!
Your not a lost soul Prabhakar. All of us are learning. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on.
I find that a lot of folks misuse electronic communication. For that reason I wrote a post, “Call Me Maybe.” Here’s a link if you’re interested.
https://www.franksonnenbergonline.com/blog/call-me-maybe/
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank, thanks for this article. Even though it appears to have been written by you quite some time ago, I just came across it today, and it seems all the more relevant now in times when there is an increase in remote workers post-pandemic. Not being in person with colleagues to see body language means more attention to detail is needed when communicating with others. You are quite right that damage control takes a lot longer than just taking the time to ensure the right messaging comes across. Rereading or having someone review written communications can make a big difference in relationships – and I am a firm believer in the 24-hour rule when responding to communications that fire me up. It helps to wait with a response in order not to propagate issues. These are great guidelines to live by in your article, thanks again.
Thanks Polly. I’m glad you like it.
Some folks think that just because they say something it’s properly heard.
Texting and email are a wonderful communication tools for some things, but not everything. In fact, written communication is often misinterpreted because it’s void of tonality and body language. I encourage everyone to spend as much time thinking about the communication medium as they do the message.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank