Successful leaders know that their employees are their most prized asset. Why aren’t they always treated that way? Why are managers puzzled by employees who are highly motivated outside of work but show little initiative on the job; people who put in time but no energy; people who spend more time working on their résumés than on the activities at hand. A management style that produces these results obviously won’t be enough to compete in today’s global economy, especially given the changes taking place in worker attitudes today.
Leading Morale: The People Skills to Stop Negativity & Ignite Contributions by Kate Nasser is a must-read. I found it to be practical, insightful, and packed with actionable advice. In fact, I nodded yes so many times, I got a sore neck. If you’re looking to gain decades of real-world experience, read this book. I recommend it highly. This post is an excerpt from Kate’s book, used with permission.
It is important to mention that I do not accept, nor did I receive, any benefit for my endorsement. My sole purpose for publishing this piece is to share a valuable resource with you.
–– Frank Sonnenberg
7 Steps to Go from Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest
By Kate Nasser
- Honor people as well as your message. Most bluntness is driven by your needs and the singular focus on what you want to communicate. That’s how it creates trouble. Honor others as well as your message.
- Be open to other possibilities. What you say is rarely an absolute fact. There are other perspectives, conditions, opinions, and possibilities to consider. When you communicate from this mindset, you are more likely to have an honest dialogue with people instead of a blunt monologue. Stay open to other views to avoid being blunt.
- In difficult situations, never start a sentence with the word “you.” Imagine saying, “You aren’t doing your job” or “You are failing badly.” Starting with “you” comes across as a blunt attack. It dings morale and breeds a defensive response. Instead, start with “Here’s what we need and this is what we see you doing. Let’s talk about how you see it and how to close the gaps.” Now the employee can hear your message and you can discuss specifics on what to change.
- Separate the emotion out of negative situations to avoid being brutally blunt. Say, “I want to put aside my emotion and talk about this situation.” It shows the other person you want to speak honestly without insulting them. However, do not use this intro to justify being blunt. It’s hypocritical. Your words and actions must honor people with honesty rather than bruise them with bluntness.
- Use a sense of proportion to reduce bluntness. Bluntness, by definition, is the negative extreme of communication. Bluntness is emotion packed. Ask yourself: Why must I use this extreme and inflict scars? What words, with better proportion, can clearly communicate my message?
- Develop a sense of timing and watch your tone of voice. Most everyone accepts the value of a positive tone of voice. Yet when some people read the word timing, they assume it means delay. Timing doesn’t always mean delay. There are times you can’t or shouldn’t delay a conversation. However, timing can also mean the pace of your speech. The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly can sound patronizing. A normal, even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids bluntness. This leads and sustains morale.
- Think agreement. Thinking about finding common ground reduces your bluntness. Replace negative emotion with positive desire. Ask for what you want instead of railing on about what you don’t want. It transforms your communication from hurtful and blunt to honest and positive. Helpful honesty produces a yes; insults rarely do. Even if agreement is not your goal, think “yes” and your words will be helpfully honest vs. brutally blunt.
The question people often ask me: Are there people with whom you must be brutally blunt? No. I have met people who don’t understand subtle communication. In those moments, I am much more direct but not brutally blunt. There is a big difference! I still show them respect and courtesy while I get to the point sooner and with more direct language. Respect is the key to being honest instead of blunt. It honors people as well as your message. If you disagree, state your view with calmness and respect for others.
To be clear, courtesy doesn’t mean lack of honesty. They go hand in hand in sustaining morale.
Copyright © 2018 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. All rights reserved.
Do You Tend to Be Brutally Blunt or Helpfully Honest?
Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™, is a thirty-year workplace-tested consultant who continues to advise leaders and teams throughout the world on high morale and service for top performance. She is a highly sought-after speaker because she brings morale issues to life and delivers solutions. Now, in her first book, Leading Morale: The People Skills to Stop Negativity & Ignite Contributions, she offers everyone the intersection of research and practical experience to lead morale instead of taking it for granted and scurrying to fix it later.
Additional Reading:
Criticism Is Not Feedback
May I have a Word with You?
Ways to Say You Care
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Ah yes I am brutally honest to a fault. I am now realising that it was rude of me. It does explain why alot of people choose not to be around me.
I will certainly have to work on my communication skills & confidence to change this about myself. Not to offend people.
Hi Donna,
So pleased that you commented. I applaud your new self-awareness about being brutally blunt. Awareness is the first step to ALL change. And you are correct, that confidence will help you be more understanding and communicate with care and consideration.
Many people use brutal bluntness as a protective shield to stop people from possibly hurting them. Yet that very technique is more likely to produce either a brutal response in return (which hurts you) or a lonely life with people turning away.
If you follow the steps I outlined above, you will have great success in your behavioral change. Of course, feel free to contact me if you have additional questions or want more guidance.
Best and warmest wishes to you,
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
So true of me…..Sometimes I am blunt and feel neglected after that….I realize to bring a change…Thanks for the share
Hi Nancy,
The way you start your comment is the essence of truth and the beginning of a wonderful new path. You say simply “So true of me …” and those four words — that moment — is light that shines not only for your journey but for all who hear you say it.
If we were face-to-face right now, you would see a beaming smile on mine. I love to be “present” when others show the courage of self-awareness. And your comment has allowed me to be present with you today.
My thanks for that and my very best wishes for the growth you have already started. Kudos!
Kate
I’ve known for a long time I was brutally blunt I was is the military. I’ve always been comfortable with how I communicate but at the same time I Also know I can’t also speak like in the workplace and I have had trouble with it. I recently went up for a leadership position and my bluntness was the only feed back they gave me and passed me over for the position. And now I’m more than motivated to work on bluntness with others as I plan on reapplying for the position again in the future. If you have a good starting point I would be most willing to listen and learn.
Hi Shelby,
I applaud your awareness. It is the first step to change and growth. Being a leader in the workplace is different than leading in the military in a few significant ways. So your challenge will be twofold, learning how to be a workplace leader and learning how to be honest vs. blunt.
I recommend you get my book Leading Morale (available on Amazon.com) and I can guide you further with some initial exercises on being less blunt. Feel free to email me and we can get that discussion going.
Kudos to you and I look forward to giving you further guidance.
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Unfortunately I’m brutally blunt. Often I hurt peoples feelings without meaning that. It’s not the type of impulsive behavior but the more time it passes the more I feel “i need to say” things otherwise I feel an hypocrite.
A family member let me notice I became like this since I started my previous job, where I was the only woman in a male dominated field.
I don’t know how to be less blunt so I usually take distance but it doesn’t always work.
In my new job I just take distance from everything because I fear this aspect could be detrimental to the work environment.
To be honest I still don’t know how to measure the words. I really hate I make people cry even if they often say thank you for being “honest”.
I don’t want to be like this…
Hi Estefania,
Self-awareness is the big first step and you just took it! Bravo. Second step is to ask for help and you are doing that. Bravo again.
You cued me into one common mistake you are making and that is believing that if you aren’t blunt you are a hypocrite. This isn’t true. You can be honest with care not blunt and hurtful. Now to the learning.
If you would like to speak more about how to moderate your words, email me through my website https://KateNasser.com contact form with “Brutally Blunt” as the subject line. I will reply and we can go from there.
I look forward to helping you.
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Hi Estefania,
I read your comment with great interest for it is packed full of information about your challenge. So let’s take it here one step at a time.
1) Your family member who said they noticed your bluntness “started” when you started working in a job where you were the only woman. This is very important and very encouraging because it means you were not brutally blunt before that. In other words you know how to be honest instead of blunt.
2) You mentioned that you avoid situations (take distance to use your words) and do it for awhile but then feel the need to speak up and it comes out as blunt. Well avoidance doesn’t generally solve much. So it is good that you know you need some assistance.
Helpful hints:
a)Brutally blunt generally means you are loading your emotion and opinion of others into what you say to them. Blunt is judgmental and emotion-packed whereas honesty allows you to take ownership of your own view without dumping it on others. Here is an example: If a co-worker is not doing their job well and not delivering the results that you need to do your job, blunt would drive people to say things like “You’re a lazy screw up.” This is not helpful at all and not really true. It is frustration exploding onto the other person. The honest version of this would be to sit down and find out why your co-worker isn’t able to meet the deadline and deliver what you need to do your job. There could be many reasons from lack of training, to over work, to mixed signals from management and the list goes on and on.
b)THUS, the main step in being honest without being brutally blunt is to ask the other person for their view, truly listen to what they are experiencing, and work to find a solution together. Conversation and listening is the first big step to go from brutally blunt to honest.
c) THEN as an interim step for you, write down what you want to say to the other person. Read it and re-read it. Ask yourself, how much negative emotion is packed into the words and how judgmental is it?
If after all this you want some coaching from me, I would be happy to speak with you via Zoom or other connection technologies..
Best wishes and let me know how you are doing!
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
https://KateNasser.com
I’m sorry, I’ve just read the article and it is loaded with manipulation of how people “should” communicate. Being blunt is perfectly acceptable given the correct context. There is a time and a place for being blunt, more so for being honest.
You cannot bundle these concepts together stating one is bad and the other is preferable, you are pushing an agenda, an ideal that suits yourself and does not necessarily benefit the majority. From what I have read in the comments, people are questioning their own actions based on what they have read and feel guilty, as it does not align with what you have tried to convey.
There is such a term as ‘brutally honest AKA blunt’ and that level of honesty is what can enrich communication, provided that it’s not offensive and presented respectfully. These concepts are subjective and will mean different things to different people, I think that should be elaborated on in the article.
I am currently part of a toxic leadership culture where I am accused of being blunt and negative. My colleagues are emotionally manipulative and our workplace is very unhappy. I am looked towards for my honesty, loyalty and trustworthiness by the rest of the workforce. It has been suggested that I do an emotional intelligence course by my new boss. She has inherited a dysfunctional management team that was ruled by a bully, her predecessor. I have agreed and have asked to go on a leadership course to address these issues. The company will have to pay for my training. None of the Leadership team have had any training. Staff are steadily leaving the company.
In my private life & friendship circles I am known for my honesty & caring nature. My frustration at work comes from working with incompetent, lazy & manipulative people who are highly resistant to change. I have never been personally offensive but professionally I will admit I do say it like it is when possible. An outgoing colleague has praised me for my honesty. However it is mentally draining. Any thoughts? Please be aware that toxic positivity is the go to passive aggressive style used to handle my outbursts. It just causes more resentment for me towards the perpetrator.
Hi Halshaw,
You mentioned that you work in a highly toxic culture and you sense that your bluntness is your dissatisfied response to that toxicity. Yet you also say that in your personal life, you are and communicate as a caring person. That tells me you have the ability to be honest with care rather than blunt from emotion. That’s good news!
So remember the following points when you are at work and it can help you be less blunt and more honest with care:
– Positive honest and caring are not the same as passive aggressive.
– If you are honest with care you will be a model for those who are blunt / hurtful and for those who are using positivity as a mechanism to hide.
– Your bluntness will never change the toxic situation into a healthy one.
– The toxic situation was created by the previous boss who was a bully (according to your comment above) so bluntness will be seen as bullying since there is no trust in your current department.
– To help everyone move from the toxic bullied environment to a healthy caring, model the latter!
If you find being a model to help change this department as too emotionally and mentally draining, then perhaps you will be happier in a different company.
I have helped new leaders rebuild a broken bullied culture and it takes a lot of care.
Wishing you well,
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Hello! I came across this information as I am searching to become a better and stronger leader. I feel like I completely understand the advice about not being totally blunt, and I can say I used to be that way, but I have undertaken a lot of growth already to stop being bringing negativity and emotion into my comments. But I will say that I remain someone who is known for speaking my mind and I still get comments about being fairly blunt, but not hurtful. I think being blunt just surprises people because they aren’t used to it? But I am not sure now. After reading everyone’s comments above I also want to say I really appreciate everyone speaking up and posting here because it makes me feel like I’m not alone with my struggles. In the article above, it is mentioned to try to be “more direct but not brutally blunt.” I would really love to have more information on how to be “direct” without it coming across as “blunt”. I have already ordered the book that is pictured there and I am looking forward to reading it. Thanks for the advice!
Hi Amie,
I applaud your commitment to growth as a leader. Truly – bravo! I do think the book will help you. In addition to what’s in there, I offer this exercise to help you be direct but not blunt:
– Write down some of the things you’ve said that people found blunt.
– Then read them out loud to yourself when you are alone.
– How many times have you started the “blunt” statements with the word “you”?
– What emotion is your blunt statement communicating or triggering in others?
– Now how would you reword your blunt statements to be direct but not blunt?
Once you’ve done this exercise, if you want to send me some examples, I would be happy to give you feedback.
Interested?
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
This article has been an interesting read. All my life I have been described as someone who is blunt usually within the context of commending my honesty and boldness to stick up for my beliefs.
However recently I have noticed the negative connotations when my bluntness is noted. It’s not always my intention for my communication to have a negative impact on others however sometimes situations just aren’t positive and neither are our emotions.
A very key thing to note is that , I have a different culture background to many people I engage with on a day to day and I have noticed that it tends to be people who are from where I reside that find me most blunt. When I communicate with foreigners they don’t have this reaction to my communication style at all.
Could it be that different cultures value different ways of communicating ? If so who is to say which cultures communicative style is correct?
Hi TG,
Interest question you raise about cultural differences. They do play a role in what is expected and accepted in communication style. Meanwhile you mentioned an even more important point in your interactions and that is you are interacting with people of different cultures.
The key to communicating on a regular basis without insulting or hurting others is to be honest with care instead of blunt and hurtful. Bluntness is not a right you can assume. It’s a privilege that others grant you when they either trust you very much OR if it is their culture.
Much better to have someone say “Go ahead be blunt” than for them to say you are blunt and hurtful. You mentioned that sometimes situations and emotions are negative and you seem to think in those moments that you must be blunt because your emotions are negative. Not true.
In those difficult moments, take a pause. Ask for a moment before you respond. While you are pausing, think of how others will feel if you unload and dump your negative emotions on them. THEN instead of going ahead with that approach, try these other options:
– Ask them how they are feeling or ask them for some more information that will help you understand the situation. When we switch from emotion to cognition/thinking, the negative emotions weaken.
– OR if possible, you could ask them for more time and get back to them later.
There are other options in these difficult moments that I can offer you if you give me some examples of the negatives situations you are talking about..
I look forward to your reply.
Best wishes,
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
I get accused of being too blunt, but I think that’s because I am female. I take great care to soften myself, but I am not afraid to assert myself either, or to handle conflict head-on. I get things done and I am results-oriented. I am a rational problem-solver. If I were male, they wouldn’t tell me to be softer and sweeter, they’d give me a promotion.
I wonder if there is anything else you might recommend? I’ve ordered this book and studied the suggestions but I’m still not able to identify when I’ve said something that is too direct. I would like to improve. Any suggestions, books, classes, exercises would be appreciated.
Hi Jody,
You mentioned that you studied the suggestions in the book but you still “can’t identify when you have said something that is too direct.” Very interesting way of wording it. If you can’t identify when you’ve been too direct, how do you know you were too direct? So I would like to know if you have received feedback from someone after you’ve said something to them that they found you to be too direct/blunt. I am sure I can help you if I had a couple of examples of what you said that was too direct.
Looking forward to your reply.