You may be an Academy Award winner, Super Bowl champion, president of a large corporation –– or even the leader of a nation. But none of this automatically entitles you to respect.
And just because you’re famous and we’re members of your fan club, or we wish we could walk in your shoes for a day, doesn’t mean that we respect you.
Some people believe that because they’re rich, powerful, or famous, they deserve our respect — regardless of their behavior. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. Respect must be earned.
Do You Deserve Our Respect?
When we were young, we were taught to respect our parents and siblings, teachers and elders, rules of the house and laws of the land. We were also taught to be tolerant of other people’s ideas and respectful of their traditions.
As we got older, we became more discerning. Now we offer respect to people who behave properly on a consistent basis, and we shake our heads, often in sadness and pity, at those who think that respect is measured by the size of their pocketbook or the job title they possess.
The bottom line is that everyone is entitled to be treated with kindness, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve earned the right to be admired or respected.
How to Gain Respect
So, how do you earn the respect of others? It’s easy to respect someone who displays the following qualities:
Authenticity. You are proud of who you are and what you stand for. You’re neither intimidated by someone else’s opinion nor worried about what people think of you. You don’t play games, have a personal “agenda,” or pretend to be someone you’re not. You’re the real deal. Ahh, so refreshing.
Knowledge. You might be very smart, but you don’t give the appearance of being a know-it-all. You’re curious about the world around you, eager to learn, and hungry to improve yourself.
Integrity. You have high ethical values and are true to your beliefs. You follow the spirit of the law, not because you signed an agreement or are afraid of being caught, but because it’s the right thing to do — and that’s good enough reason for you.
Honesty. Your life is an open book because you have nothing to hide. You’re passionate about being straightforward, and you’re happy to deliver good news without sugarcoating the bad. You don’t make promises lightly. In fact, your promise is as binding as a contract.
Fairness. You believe in building long-term relationships rather than settling for short-term gains. You strive for win-win relationships, knowing that if a solution isn’t evenhanded, no one wins.
Tolerance. You are receptive to ideas, beliefs, and cultures other than your own. In the process, you always try to evaluate all sides of an issue rather than forcing your personal opinion on others.
Humility. You are modest about your achievements, comfortable in your own skin, and quietly proud. You shift your focus from taking to giving, from talking about yourself to listening to others, and from hoarding the credit to distributing the praise.
Selflessness. You give to others because you want to, not because you expect anything in return. You believe that your kindness helps to build trust, strengthen relationships, and enhance everyone’s sense of self-worth — not to mention, adding to your karma.
Compassion. You go out of your way to treat others kindly even though you’ve reached the top of your game. You remember your roots and give credit to everyone who helped you along the way. You bring out the best in people in an effort to make everyone feel special, and you help those in need of a break.
Personal responsibility. You take charge of your life rather than feeling that the world owes you something. You set your goals high, make the commitment and sacrifice required to succeed, and accept the consequences of your choices. Of course, if things go south, you don’t play the blame game or fall back on excuses — you remain positive and steadfast.
Quality associations. You are vigilant about the people with whom you surround yourself, knowing that you win or lose respect based on the company that you keep.
Organizations, like people, are also in a position to either win or squander the respect of others. For example, does your organization welcome anyone into its “tent” regardless of his or her behavior? Does it have an “everything goes” policy as long as it hits its quarterly numbers or beats the competition? When members do something inappropriate or unethical, is action taken — or does your organization “paper over” the situation, implicitly condoning the behavior?
Respect Begins with You
You may be able to fool others, but you can’t fool yourself. If you want self-respect it’s important to set high standards, remain true to your beliefs and values, listen to your conscience, and never stop trying until you do yourself proud. Sure, you’ll make mistakes and you may even fail along the way. But at least you’ll know, in your heart, that you gave it your best effort and you lived your life the right way. And that has self-respect written all over it.
Now, think about the people with whom you come into contact each day. Some of those folks demand respect because of their age, wealth, or position. Others feel entitled to respect because they’re popular, have a big office, or because they’ve won awards. And still others think that everyone deserves respect regardless of their actions. The truth is, many of them don’t even respect themselves.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re young or old, rich or poor, work on the top floor or down in the basement, everyone earns respect the same way. You can’t require respect or demand it. You can’t cut deals or take shortcuts. You can’t buy respect or even place a price tag on it. And that’s because respect is priceless. Earn it every day!
How Do You Feel About Respect?
Additional Reading:
Money Is Only One Form of Wealth
The Many Faces of Greed
Are Role Models Becoming Extinct?
Giving: The Most Important Lesson in Life
Earning Success the Old-fashioned Way
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Frank- I love this post. Unfortunately, what we were taught as children, both at home and in school, is not necessarily what children are being taught today.
Living in an affluent area, I see how parents have taught their children that money can get them “ahead” at least in the short term, in a number of ways- popularity, better grades via paying for tutors, paying someone to write their college essay, whatever it “takes”. I see teachers and principals who are just trying to get through the day, not even knowing their student’s names. Whose union does not allow them to stay after school to help a student unless they are being paid.
So how can we expect the next generation to be respectful of each other when our values seem to be flipped upside down? How do we get “back” to where we were a generation ago?
Barbara Kimmel, Executive Director
Trust Across America – Trust Around the World
http://www.trustacrossamerica.com
Hi Barbara
My parents felt very strongly about personal values. They instilled them in us at a very young age by serving as good role models and using every opportunity to teach us their importance in life. My folks weren’t different from other parents. We were all told that a good education and sound values were paramount in life.
My guess is that we’ve taken our eye off the ball. Money may buy things, but it doesn’t make you a good person. We live in a great country. Past generations gave of themselves so that we could enjoy the good lives that we live today. I’m convinced that we will rise to the occasion and put education and values back on the front-burner. That will only happen if we make them a priority and accept nothing less. it’s time we step up our game and do our part.
Thanks for your thoughts and for furthering the conversation.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Frank,
This is excellent. Have you thought about expanding this into a book. You quality deserves a chapter with examples. This could be an especially book for young adults.
Frank
Hi Frank –– I’m so glad that you like the post. And, that the message is well-suited for young adults.
Yes, we are thinking about a new book 🙂 (More to come)
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Dear Frank!
You have done it again!! Great post.
Where are those people we respect?
They exist. I know they do, because I just read this post called CAN MONEY BUY YOU RESPECT and you Frank, live to a standards of authenticity, values, ethics, humility, tolerance, compassion and because of that I have come to respect you deeply.
Lolly
Hi Lolly —
Thank you for your encouragement and support. I appreciate it so much.
Best,
Frank
Superb, as always — you nailed it Frank!!!
Thanks John. You’re the best!
Frank
Fabulous Frank! My first thought when reading this was… I have to email this to my kids… of course I’m never sure if they read these things I forward, so I’m all for the book idea. Thanks for sharing! Lisa
Hi Lisa. Thanks so much for your kind words. One of the things that we try to do is present our message in different formats. That way we have a better chance of appealing to different preferences. You’ll find free downloadable posters under the blog’s “Live and Learn” tab and Pinterest posters in “See the Big Picture.” The next book is coming along 🙂 I hope that helps.
Have a wonderful day!
Frank
Easier said than done. It’s pretty hard to even think of one person who possesses all those qualities, and even if they did, not everyone would respect them, in fact they can resent you for it, especially those who don’t respect themselves. Because they feel small in comparison to you when they are around you. It doesn’t matter if you treat them well or anything, their own insecurity will fuel their hatred.
It’s one thing to be respected….and another to be liked. Being respected is often at the cost of being liked. They won’t like you, but in times of crisis they will come to you for advise, they will expect you to solve the problem, and when you refuse to help because you don’t respect them back, then they will lose respect for you.
You bring up some very interesting points. First, it’s very hard to imagine one person who possesses all of these qualities, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying to be that person 🙂 Second, you’re right … being respected doesn’t guarantee being liked. The truth is, we have control over many of the traits that contribute to respect, but we have little control over people’s reaction to success. If folks want to be bitter or envious so be it. The truth is, it’s important to live with honor because it leads to self-respect. After all…we face ourselves in the mirror every day.
Have an awesome weekend!
Best,
Frank
These thought made me aware of my mistakes and i have learn something which i did not recieve from my school.
Hi Swaraj
I’m so glad you enjoyed this post. Some people think that learning ends at graduation. The truth is that learning should continue through life.
Thanks for taking the time to write 🙂
Best,
Frank
Earning something always takes time…..be it money or respect.We must work towards it.
The above mentioned virtues are essential but it is hard to attain them.And that is why we must work towards them in order to earn what we deserve.
One should prove his identity and let the world know why he should be respected for,this world owes you nothing.
Its high time you guys realize this!!
This is an amazing post,Sir!
Thank you.
You’re absolutely right, Abishek. I wish more people would realize that respect, like most things in life, is earned…the world owes you nothing.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
“Respect Begins with You” …. This is my orientation, Frank … you certainly know this … I always see it from the reverse side of the medal … it is not about earning something … we should first give something … respect … and one day we will have other people’s respect, too … when we see it like that, we live a more happy life instead of hunting after this “having to earn something” … we should free us from having to make a kneel in front of others … send you best regards …
Great point, Karin.
Set high standards, remain true to your beliefs and values, listen to your conscience, and never stop trying until you do yourself proud.
When you demand respect from yourself, there’s no need to demand it from others.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
1) Does your organization welcome anyone into its “tent”?
2) Quality associations. You are vigilant about the people with whom you surround yourself, knowing that you win or lose respect based on the company that you keep.
These are the two points that got me thinking.
For our organization, we have values and policies for who we allow into our work realms. But sometimes in our faith community, there are some who do not show signs of being worth their interest in the church, but poor behaviour. How can this be addressed?
For the second.
Again in the spiritual community, I try to ‘pull’ others who fall below the standard. Many times this causes me embarrassment and wish I did not associate with people with a lesser mindset and poor conduct. How can we help others without compromising the impressions we may cause by ‘keeping company’ of some who do not know how to behave properly.?
Eula—
You raise some interesting questions.
Some folks try to force their will on others. (The reality is, people change when change is their choice.)
The Serenity Prayer authored by the American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr places this issue in its proper perspective: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank