Once upon a time, there was a brat named Phil T. Rich. He grew up with everything a kid could want. He had every gadget imaginable, a house that rivaled the Disney castle, and parents who gave him free rein to do whatever he wanted. Unfortunately, his parents were rarely around for him. And when they weren’t working “killer hours,” they were off to the club to play golf and trade gossip with friends. Phil knew that he wasn’t like the other kids. Whenever he wanted something, he snapped his fingers and it appeared — like magic. He didn’t have to work hard in school because he knew his parents would pull strings to get him into college and ultimately he’d be top dog in their business one day. The only problem was that Phil lived a life of dependency.
If the story ended here, you might be jealous. BUT, then it happened . . . Phil’s parents thought they could double the size of their business by buying a competitor. While the transaction looked great on paper, in reality it had some serious shortcomings. And, before you could blink an eye, their entire business was on life support. Unfortunately, Phil’s family lost everything. Phil thought he had it “made,” but life as he knew it was gone forever.
Poor Phil. He was so ill prepared to face the “real world.” While Phil thought he had the world by the tail, he was never prepared to earn the rewards himself. Unfortunately, this is a sad story without a storybook ending.
The motto of this story is that “Helping people too much only makes them helpless.”
This story is only a fairy tale, but it’s happening in real life every day.
Dependency: Helping People Become Helpless
Nonsensical no-bids. Some organizations offer sole-source contracts to a company rather than requiring a fair and competitive bidding process. This makes the supplier complacent and dependent, over time, never having had to win the business.
Guaranteed gratuities. Restaurant servers receive a 10% – 20% tip, regardless of the service they provide. This teaches servers that halfhearted work still gets a reward. So why try harder? Their complacency ultimately hurts the restaurant because a superior customer experience is built on the establishment’s ambiance, food, and service.
Automatic rewards. Annual bonuses are sometimes based on employee tenure or “just showing up” rather than on merit. If high performers receive the same performance reviews and compensation that mediocre employees receive, then we shouldn’t be surprised by complacency and apathy.
Gifts of graduation. Students are promoted to the next grade level regardless of whether they’ve met the minimum requirements. This “easy path” through school is sure to catch up with the students one day.
“Yes” — the most common cop-out. When we say “yes” to kids merely to placate them, or avoid a scene in public, they never learn the difference between right and wrong. Saying “no” to your children, when appropriate, is an act of love.
Unqualified quotas. If opportunity is provided to an individual based on special quotas rather than on his or her true qualifications, will this person use quotas as a crutch throughout life? This will certainly lead to a life of dependency.
Questionable quid pro quos. Special favors doled out through nepotism or a quid pro quo rather than through earning a seat at the table have a real downside. Although these recipients may make it to the front of line, the question remains whether they’re up to the job.
Mediocre meritocracy. Some organizations fail to counsel mediocre performers. Mistakes ultimately become poor habits. Allowing employees to “get by” in this way helps neither the employees nor the organization.
Emotional excuses. Often, appeals are issued that encourage people to buy from a specific source (i.e., “buy American,” buy union shop, buy local), regardless of the value offered. This may kill the incentive to be more competitive, only postponing the day of reckoning when value triumphs (as it commonly does).
Empty entitlements. Providing government services, in some cases for generations, rather than helping people to provide for themselves is a sure path to dependency and helplessness.
Sometimes, well-intentioned plans have unintended consequences. We impose a mandatory gratuity so that the server doesn’t get stiffed; we steer people to buy “Made in USA” because we’re patriotic; we let the mediocre employees “skate” because they’re the breadwinners for their families; we say “yes” to our kids because, you know, we’re their parents and we want them to be happy. Even though our efforts may help the recipients in the short term, we are making them dependent on our good graces, rather than preparing them to accept personal responsibility for their future.
Dependency: People Are Not Helpless Until We Make Them So
When you look for synonyms for the word “dependency” in the dictionary, you’ll find “addiction, habit and enslavement.” When we encourage people to become completely dependent on the goodness of others for their livelihoods or achievements — when we reward people for a lack of effort and personal initiative — we strip them of their confidence, trample on their dignity, and kill their will to improve themselves. Dependency purges people of their dreams, makes their spirit atrophy, and enslaves them to a lifetime of mediocrity.
We are compassionate people. We should make every effort to help the downtrodden get back on their feet, but we shouldn’t absolve them of their personal responsibility to secure a better future for themselves and their families. As Paul Ryan once said, “We don’t want to turn the safety net into a hammock that lulls able-bodied people into complacency and dependence.” Phil T. Rich had the world handed to him, but when the silver platter was removed, he was unable to survive on his own.
Compassion shouldn’t be measured by the size of a handout, but by our ability to provide opportunity to reduce dependency, enabling people to become self-sufficient and helping them to realize their dreams. We must invest in people by instilling strong values, a world-class education, and a powerful work ethic needed to succeed. Success also requires powerful incentives to those who make progress — and “tough love” to those who fail to make the effort. When we offer a handout, we may satisfy someone’s body and soul for an instant, but when we invest in people, our action may benefit them for a lifetime. Bill Clinton said it well, “We cannot build our own future without helping others to build theirs.”
Thoughts? Please provide your comments below.
Additional Reading:
Earning Success the Old-fashioned Way
The Buck Stops with You
The Most Important Lesson in Life
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Last week I was speaking with one of my neighbors who is a waiter at an upscale restaurant. He told me that his manager said that he was making too much in tips. My neighbor believes in giving good customer service and providing a pleasant and smooth dining experience to his customers. He certainly EARNS his tips which are a true measure of his work ethic. In this instance, it is the employer, manager, who is trying to control his efforts.
So it is not only the individual, but sometimes the environment that they work in which shapes an employees attitude.
That’s a very interesting story Kathy. What the employer doesn’t understand is if he takes away the waiter’s incentive to work hard, he will get what he deserves. The waiter will become apathetic and customers will go to the competitor. On another note, I’ll bet that the waiter doesn’t work hard just for the money, he works hard because he takes pride in what he does.
This is very common in the sales world. A salesperson starts earning more than her manager because she’s highly motivated. The manager reduces the salesperson’s commission because he’s jealous that he’s making less. The result is that the salesperson doesn’t work as hard and everyone loses as a result.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
Frank,
I love how you provided the many examples of how this affects our society. This isn’t only about privileged silver-spooners. This is about making sure we are strong enough to stand on our own, learn on our own, make our own fortunes and build our own futures. The examples you gave were excellent.
When I was a child and I was told “Don’t Feed the Wildlife”, I couldn’t understand why giving some of my food to a hungry little face would have been a bad thing. I know understand this creates the same dependency you speak of – whereas if we teach the animal that food is as easy to come by as walking up to a park bench, they will never learn to provide for themselves in nature. Just like hungry animals, when things are simply handed to us we lose touch with our own instincts, we become less driven, lazy.
It also resonated with me that we need to teach more and give away less, echoed in the adage: “Give an man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life.”
Hey Marc
Your example of the wildlife is perfect “if we teach the animal that food is as easy to come by as walking up to a park bench, they will never learn to provide for themselves in nature.”
Sometimes tough love is viewed as harsh. I now look back on my career and really appreciate managers who pushed me to live up to my potential. I didn’t understand it at the time, but the managers who let their people skate were not doing them any favors in the long term. There’s no short-cut in life. Success requires a good education, strong work-ethic, and sound values.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
Wonderful article Frank. Letting people “skate” is the easy way out – and a path taken by so many. As a parent, it’s hard to hold your breath, say “no” and go through the fallout when you could just say “yes” and the problem (appears to) goes away. Tough love is not easy for either party, but it’s the only way to go sometimes. Thanks so much for your insight.
You’re so right Rossana. It’s tough, but the results are VERY rewarding. One day, when you least expect it, your kids will thank you for everything that you’ve done for them. Then, they’ll do the same for their kids.
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
Great reminder of our daily encounters that we either dismiss, overlook or negotiate around and through. Yes, I see vestiges of the behavior in all of my past and current experiences. It’s a behavior pattern all to familiar that adversely affects many of us with steadfast principles and honorable intentions. My only remedy is recognizing the behavior and learning to negotiate through or around it. It seems that we acquired another societal norm.
Hi Felix
You hit the nail right on the head. We have a tendency, in all areas of life, to be complacent rather than rock the boat. The first step in curing any problem is recognizing that there is one. If this post brings us a tiny bit closer to that end, then I have achieved my goal.
Have a wonderful day my friend.
Best,
Frank
Frank,
This an excellent topic.
What grabbed me in this post was the U.S. Government part whereby you state that “Providing government services, in some cases for generations, rather than helping people to provide for themselves is a sure path to dependency and helplessness.” It is a generational mindset and few get out of that “trap” because it is all they know.
A true service for people would be to help them provide for themselves. And most can!
There is so much of that going on and to me it is a “trap” for those who can provide for themselves with a little education.
Yes, we have empathy for people but we must keep in mind that we cannot “enable” them. Once we do that it becomes a dis-service.
Donna
Hi Donna
I agree. In a country as great as ours, every child deserves an equal opportunity to be successful. As Colin Powell once said, “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” Compassion shouldn’t be measured by the size of a handout, but by our ability to provide opportunity to reduce dependency, enabling people to become self-sufficient and helping them to realize their dreams.
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
I can see why this article is near and dear to you Frank. Great food for thought on the ways we sometimes unwittingly support dependency in others.
I witnessed over the last few years the unfortunate outcome of “empty entitlements”. I have watched a previously hardworking and motivated family man refuse a job opportunity after being laid off because he would make less than he did on unemployment. Over two years I watched his self esteem and motivation slip away with every unemployment check.
There is a big difference between being given a hand up and a hand out. Even many our attempts from a tremendous network of support to provide a hand up were met with increasingly elaborate excuses.
One of my coaches taught me about something they called “ruthless compassion”. The most compassionate thing we can do for someone is to be relentless in our stand for them to take personal responsibility for themselves and their future.
Two weeks after unemployment ran out they were working again at a job that is beneath their capabilities. Yet their confidence is slowly returning and they are beginning to act on some of the “hand up” offers even though they are already working hard.
Hi Sue
I couldn’t have said it better myself. When I read your comment, “ruthless compassion,” I got a chill down my spine. I completely understand why some act this way although I don’t understand why we’re not learning from our mistakes. When a person stops exercising, their muscles begin to atrophy. The same can be said for your friend who stopped working. They lost their self-esteem and motivation. As I always say, the first step in solving a problem is recognizing that there is one.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and for sharing this post with your colleagues.
Best,
Frank
An AMAZING article. I have done well in life despite a severe physical disability since the age of 5 because my parents ensured I was independent and not afraid to try anything.
Tom too tall Cunningham
Certified Napoleon Hill Instructor
www.tom2tall.com
Hi Tom
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. You are living proof of what someone can accomplish, if they put their mind to it –– in spite of personal challenges. I’ve always been a BIG fan of Napoleon Hill, W Clement Stone and Dale Carnegie’s work. I started reading their books at an early age and am convinced that their philosophy helped shape my own outlook on life. I highly recommend their work.
Thanks again for your thoughts. Stay in touch..
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank, how are you?
This was a terrific blog post and I agree with the points you made. Since you are a big fan of Napoleon Hill, I think you will like the book that I am currently rereading. It’s called “The Art of Persuasion,” by Bob Burg. Perhaps you have heard of it or have already read it. I think it is an absolute must-read!
Hi Lily
Great suggestion. I’ll add Bob’s book to my summer reading list. Bob is very wise. I read his blog posts every day. http://www.burg.com/blog/
Have an awesome week!
Best,
Frank