Ever hear a person approaching retirement say, “Now I’m going to start doing what I want to do –– not what I have to do”? It got me thinking. How much time do we spend doing what is expected of us rather than doing what we really want to do? It’s a tough dilemma that we face every day.
Unfortunately, we do what we “have to” do all too often. We dress up for dinner even though we’d rather go casual; we stay after hours to impress the boss; we go to the annual party, yet again, even though it was boring last year; we ditch the girlfriend because the parents don’t approve. You get my drift?
Before you know it, one simple gesture becomes habit, and you find yourself spending a lifetime doing things for reasons other than because you want to.
Our Dilemma
Here are several reasons why we feel compelled to “do what I have to”:
Satisfaction. Most of us want to please those we hold in high regard. So we do “what we have to” to satisfy family members, friends, and superiors.
Acceptance. When we’re young, we want to be friends with the cool kids. When we’re older, we do “what we have to” to become “members” of groups that we admire.
Acknowledgement. All of us prefer a pat on the back rather than an ugly frown from others. So we adjust our behavior to win praise.
Reward. We “kiss up” to folks who can benefit us personally. We do “what we have to” to secure that reward or promotion.
Fear. We simply do “what we have to” to avoid criticism or punishment.
Payback. We feel a responsibility to pay back those who’ve done things for us in the past.
Conformity. We do “what we have to” to conform to expected norms rather than stand out in the crowd.
Are Your Have-to’s Overwhelming You? (A Dilemma We All Face)
Are the expectations real or imagined? Do people make you feel obligated to satisfy their expectations or are you putting the pressure on yourself? When was the last time you tested that premise?
Do you place more value on what others think of you or on how you view yourself? Listen to your conscience. If you’re not ready to do something, don’t let others convince you that you are.
How much time do you spend trying to gain acceptance? It takes a lot of energy to masquerade as someone else. In fact, it’s exhausting. Real friends accept you for who you are, not who they want you to be. Be the real you. Everyone else is taken.
Do friends and family assume payback for their support? Real friends don’t keep score. They give of themselves without expectation of something in return.
Do you compromise your principles to please others? Does your conscience conflict with demands being placed on you? Remember, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
How much time do you spend performing your job versus trying to look good? Great organizations reward people based on performance rather than politics. Every minute you spend promoting yourself is valuable time you could be doing something worthwhile.
Are you being asked to give more than you can? If you give generously of yourself, don’t let others make you feel guilty. To some people, enough is never enough. People can make you feel guilty only if you allow them to.
Are your expectations of yourself unreasonable? Some people are perfectionists; they always want to give more. The problem is that they’re tough on themselves to a fault. Do what you can. You’re only human.
The Answer to Your Dilemma: Do It for You
There’s a very fine line between trying to please others so much that your own needs aren’t being met. This creates a tug-of-war with no “right” answer –– but we’re continually forced to make one anyway. As W. Clement Stone, the inspirational author, said, “You always do what you want to do. This is true with every act. You may say that you had to do something, or that you were forced to, but actually, whatever you do, you do by choice. Only you have the power to choose for yourself.” So, how do you choose? Solving this dilemma begins by knowing your personal values, establishing priorities, managing other people’s expectations, and yes … believing in yourself.
When you believe in yourself, you’ll be proud of who you are rather than pretending to be who others want you to be; you’ll pursue what you love most rather than being hijacked by the needs of others; you’ll strive for the standards that you set for yourself rather than seeking the approval and validation of others. And you’ll know in your heart that you’ve given what you can while managing to reserve some for yourself.
Satisfying your own needs does not make you a bad person. In fact, it enables you to share your happiness with people closest to you and still have enough to give a smile away to a stranger in need. Don’t wait a lifetime to satisfy your needs or you may regret it one day. As George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, said, “Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.” Don’t do this because you have to. Do it because you want to!
What Do You Think?
Additional Reading:
Your Happiness Lies in the Balance
The Choice is Yours
24 Ways to Simplify Your Life
If you like this article, subscribe to our blog so that you don’t miss a single post. Get future posts by RSS feed, email or Facebook. It’s FREE. Click your favorite option (top right).
Love this Frank…..
“When you believe in yourself, you’ll be proud of who you are rather than pretending to be who others want you to be; you’ll pursue what you love most rather than being hijacked by the needs of others; you’ll strive for the standards that you set for yourself rather than seeking the approval and validation of others.”
Make this into a poster!
I want everyone to read this wonderful post!
Lolly
Hi Lolly
You’re the best! Thanks, as always, for your encouragement and support.
Best,
Frank
Truly inspirational post. I’ve also found that when you do more of what you really want to do, it’s amazing how more like opportunities come your way. When we do what we love, we show up strong and it attracts people who want us to do more of that.
Hi Karin
I wholeheartedly agree. “When we do what we love, we show up strong and it attracts people who want us to do more of that.”
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank-
Yes, now I see that you have been working towards your goal of a new blog piece from my last comment on your last piece- which btw answers my last question even better, thank-you!
So- now I’m thinking that maybe as an individual it would help to have a mission statement or even top ten list of how we can define our “true to self” clauses without getting tempted to buy into making bad decisions to keep everyone else happy! It takes discipline to practice this truth that you share – so, if you were an exercise trainer…. Where would you tell your clients to start with this process? Baby steps? Break it down more – please.
I ask this because I personally- have been a pleaser type personality most of my life – and have suffered some internal consequences because of it (ie: enabling others mostly, lol !)
I have been able to recognize some of the patterns of my behavior (with age comes wisdom- sometimes) and try to exercise self control…. Like not coming to other persons rescue, or choosing to not keep score with money issues ( because a friend bought last time) or not responding because someone used flattery on me….BUT , it seems difficult even still, at times – to remain focused!
I almost hate to set up boundaries for myself, because I realize every situation is unique in dealing with people ; however , I sense that the goal (from reading) is probably self protection-
Maybe even from ourselves – because everything is a choice in the end- right ?
Thanks – and great food for thought…keep it coming !
Cindy
Hi Cindy
I’m glad this post answered your question from the last post . Better late than never 🙂
To answer your question today, I believe the best way to define your “true self” is to identify your priorities and define your personal values. Together, they define what matters most to you.
Best,
Frank
Thank you Frank!
Great topic!
Thanks so much Lou!
Hi Frank,
Thanks for the sharing the blog over email.
I love it. I agree with you.
I have realized, ‘Being true to our calling helps us to be authentic and also increases our impact!’
My best to you,
Carl Ebenezer
Well said Carl…. “Being true to our calling helps us to be authentic and also increases our impact!”
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Thanks for another great post Frank! Re-posted immediately…it’s a good message to pay forward. Two thumbs up!!
As George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, said, “Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.” Don’t do this because you have to. Do it because you want to!
Love the quote above as it’s right in sync with my TCOY (take care of you) Wellness philosophy.
Hi Lucy
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share this post with your friends and colleagues. I appreciate it.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
I love your answer to the Dilemma, Have to vs Want to: Do it for yourself! So many people struggle with doing what they want, and realizing they have a choice.
Doing what we want makes us happier and less resentful.
Great topic, thank you!
Cecile
Hi Cecile
I’m so glad the post resonated with you. Thanks for taking the time to write me.
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
I’m thinking that I (may) be doing too much. I do for others and do without for myself, not that I feel guilty but that I feel they “need” the help. It makes me feel satisfied. If I do too much will they expect it? I sure don’t want that. I’m a little confused on the issue. Living on social security is tough enough you know. I just don’t feel kids should suffer if a parent doesn’t look for a better job because of failure insecurities, so I help out, for the kids sake. Am I wrong?
Hi Nancy
There’s no right or wrong answer to the way someone chooses to live their life. The only correct answer is the one that YOU feel is right for you. You may have answered your question when you said, “It makes me feel satisfied.”
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
Frank,
I enjoyed everyone’s comments as well as this post. Very provoking. I think this is poster or t-shirt worthy gem:
“Be yourself. Everybody else is taken”
I also really like Cindy’s comment and her idea about creating sort of a personal mission statement and top ten ‘true to self’ clauses.
The reasons you provided for why we’re compelled to do the things we feel we have to are solid. I’d like to imagine that if everyone stopped right now and started doing only what they loved, we would be in great balance. there would still be someone to bake the bread and deliver the mail and audit the taxes and lock up the bad guys – but it just might not be who is doing it now.
Thanks for the great read!
Hi Marc
One of the things that I’ve found is that readers get as much out of reader comments as they do from my post. That’s AWESOME!
You make a great point…If we stopped doing the work someone would fill the void. Maybe we should test that idea.
Have an awesome day.
Best,
Frank
Are you comfortable with the thought that, once we have been born, there are only 2 ‘Have To’s in our lives:
We ‘have to’ die, and, according to quantum physics, we ‘have to’ take up space – EVERYTHING else is a matter of choice (albeit sometimes between unappealing options) – we just need to accept responsibility for the consequences of our decisions.
Since it was suggested to me some 30 years ago I have found it a truly liberating concept – and one that has helped me take much more accountability for my circumstances/health/career etc.
I encourage people to get rid of all their unhelpful ‘four letter words & phrases’ such as ” must, shud, have to, orrt to, gott to” (which trigger all sorts of ‘creative avoidance’) and replace them with “like to, want to, or need to” which generate more constructive drive and energy.
Hi Jeremy
I find your advice very sound. My guess is that most people intellectually understand and agree with your point. The challenge is in making it happen. That being said, it’s certainly worth a try.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and for advancing the conversation.
Best,
Frank
Sincere thanks for this article, your blog brings enrichment & wisdom into my life. I’m grateful : )
My pleasure Kathy. Thank YOU for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank