We’ve all experienced some level of hurt and disappointment in our lives. It may have taken the form of a friend who betrayed us, a family member who disappointed us, a superior who exploited us, or an individual who caused some harm to our loved one. While some wounds are shallow and relatively easy to dismiss, others run deep, causing some to harbor anger or seek revenge. Others choose a second option . . . to forgive and forget.
Seeking retaliation, rather than forgiveness, traps you in the anger. In fact, some become so consumed by their bitterness that it harms them physically and mentally. The truth is, studies have found that forgiving is good for the body and the soul. As Buddha taught, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Why Is Forgiveness So Hard to Swallow?
No one said that forgiving is easy. Here are some reasons why:
Revenge makes us feel better. The only way offenders can really know the hurt they inflicted is to experience it themselves. So we seek an eye for an eye.
Revenge will prohibit a repeat offense. While we can’t undo what’s already happened, we want to ensure that it isn’t repeated. So we mount an aggressive campaign against the responsible party.
We desire justice. We’re cynical that justice will be served. Therefore, the only way to “even the score” is through revenge.
We see no sign of remorse. We want closure. The problem is, the offender shows no sign of regret for the pain that he or she caused.
There is little chance of rehabilitation. We reason that some people are just bad apples with little prospect for change. We’re concerned they’ll receive leniency and repeat the offense.
It’s difficult to let go of the anger. Some people cause so much anguish that we find it inconceivable to forgive them for the grief they caused.
The key is that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, nor does it mean approving, what someone did. It just means that you’re letting go of the anger toward that person.
The Power of Forgiveness
There are several benefits to forgiveness. From a moral imperative, turning your cheek is the right thing to do. Period. Furthermore, it’s a lot healthier and takes a lot less energy to forgive someone than to hold a grudge and remain angry. The fact is, when you’re consumed by bitterness, resentment, and vengeance, you can get swallowed up by your anger. As Lewis B. Smedes, the renowned theologian, said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Forgiveness does not mean suppressing your feelings or pretending the anger doesn’t exist. Instead, forgiveness requires a conscious decision to release your resentment and thoughts of revenge. It also calls on you to acknowledge and practice the full range of emotions that you possess, such as grief and anger as well as kindness and compassion — even toward someone who has hurt you deeply.
That’s tough, you say? It’s important to remind yourself that one of the main reasons to show forgiveness is to benefit yourself. Hate is a cancer on one’s soul. It can cause you to feel helpless and frustrated and trap you in a never-ending cycle of anger and resentment. And although you may have every reason to be bitter, you will be compounding the problem by keeping the issue alive. Think of it this way: While they hurt you once, now you’re doing it to yourself.
The truth is, forgiveness reduces the offender’s grip on you and helps you focus on other, positive areas of your life. So follow the wisdom of Robert Brault, the author, who said, “If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.”
What Do You Think?
Additional Reading:
Humility: Don’t Let Success Go to Your Head
Courage: No Guts No Glory
The Power of a Positive Attitude
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This post speaks to me on many levels and I think you summed it up so beautifully and so poignantly at the end…
……. “If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.”
Thank you Frank!!!
Hi Lolly
I’m glad this post resonated with you. I think forgiveness is something we all struggle with, at some point in our lives. We’re only human 🙂
Best,
Frank
Great quote: “The key is that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, nor does it mean approving, what someone did. It just means that you’re letting go of the anger toward that person.” It’s so very important for each of us to realize that WE will be the biggest benefactor of our forgiveness of others.
Unless you are enraged to the point of action (and the eventual consequences linked with that action), without forgiveness, the other person wins – often without even knowing it, controlling our lives without doing a thing!!! I don’t see value in most forms of “action,” but acknowledge there likely are some rare instances justifying at least the consideration of it. Even then, some accompanying forgiveness should be a significant part of those considerations…
Hi John
You’re right…intellectually we understand that “WE will be the biggest benefactor of our forgiveness of others.” And yes…” “without forgiveness, the other person wins –– often without knowing it, controlling our lives without doing a thing.” It’s still not easy for many folks. The key is to not let our emotions get the better of us.
Thanks for advancing the conversation.
Best,
Frank
You bring up a subject that I am sure touches everyone’s life. Sometimes there is not a simple solution for the deep aching roots down in the well of our emotions. Forgiveness has many great opportunities and applications in our lives but sometimes letting go, forgiving, or forgetting, no matter how many times we try, just isn’t the solution. As you say, the Buddha taught, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal”. When slighted or whatever comes our way that sends us into deep hurt and darkness, we can sense the energy of that hot coal within. There is an old Zen Koan story that mentions getting hit with a hot cannon ball that gets “stuck in your neck” and sends you into unchartered confusion. Though forgiveness is needed, there are times when this occurs that a bigger process and undertaking is going on.
I remember one time when I went to a counselor once and was laying it all out on the table before him why I was so pissed off with a particular individual. The counselor looked into my eyes and said, “Why do you care?” These simple words turned my eyes from looking outward for an answer and I began to look within. Why did I care? What in me is really going on here I asked? As you say Frank, times like this call on us to “acknowledge” and practice the full range of emotions that we possess.
There is a jewel of self knowledge that can be found during these times. What was interesting with this experience that I had is that once I explored and unraveled what was really going on within me, forgiveness spontaneously appeared. It was effortless.
Hi Mark
I find your story very interesting. As soon as you changed your perspective by asking yourself, “Why do I care?” you were able to see the situation in a new light. One thing that many of us are guilty of, is letting negative thoughts spiral out of control. By asking yourself this question, you were able to interrupt the loop of negativity. It’s important to emphasize, that depending on the situation, forgiveness can be very difficult. But to put this in perspective Anne Frank said, “I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
Thanks for advancing the conversation.
Best,
Frank
Great wisdom again, Frank. Thank You.
Hi Bob
Thanks for your encouragement and support.
Best,
Frank
I like the idea, but how do you get out of the place where you want revenge and move to forgiving and forgetting.
Hi Rob
Unfortunately we can’t take a pill to make this better. We’re driving the bus. If you read everyone’s comments, they independently came to the same conclusion … What do you have to gain by being angry or seeking revenge? As I said, “Think of it this way: While they hurt you once, now you’re doing it to yourself.”
Best,
Frank
Hi Frank-
Wow….good post, as usual. This subject is one that I still deal with (like many, I am sure), every day. Bitterness is it’s own prison. You can choose, like many, to chain yourself to your hurt…or you can choose , like some, to put away your hurts before they become hates….
Remembering what you have in relationship w/(in my case) my creator, vs. what you don’t have is motivation to keep from driving off the road into an emotional led cycle of bad decision making. The temptation is always there (to get revenge) but really, if you think it through – do you really feel better that you’ve become like or worse than your offender?
No- you have to be stronger & even if that means disguised in self control.
The discipline that takes practice (in my opinion) is learning how to control your emotions and then how to release your anger.
Hatred is the rabid dog that turns on its owner. Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist. Bitterness is the trap that snares the hunter. And mercy is the choice that can set them all free. (Taken from Max Lucado : the applause of heaven).
Thanks:)
Cindy
Hi Cindy
There’s so much wisdom in your comment that it requires repeating.
“The temptation is always there (to get revenge) but really, if you think it through –– do you really feel better that you’ve become like or worse than your offender? … Hatred is the rabid dog that turns on its owner. Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist.”
Thanks so much for taking the time to write and for advancing the conversation.
Have an awesome week.
Best,
Frank
THANKS FOR THAT GREAT POST, IT IS WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE NEED. VERY HELPFUL INDEED.
IT ONE OF GREATEST GIFT WE CAN LEARN TO GIVE OURSELVES; FORGIVENESS. AS JOHN BENNETT SAID, “WE WILL BE THE BIGGEST BENEFACTORS OF OUR FORGIVENESS OF OTHERS”.
IF ONLY OTHERS UNDERSTANDS IT…..
Letting go is so uplifting. Don’t let a life lesson turn into a life sentence. Break the chains, forgiveness allows you to experience a full and enriching life. Thanks Frank!!
Well said, Lucy! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
Best,
Frank
I was now recently where people hurt me on their actions and I was negative, moan etc. And one morning I said that is enough. I am focused on positive things where I want to go and forget the incident that hurt me. Then I realised after reading this by focusing on the positive I am getting a bigger dream to go for as just worry about the negative. Frank all you have said is true. Bitterness holds you back and forgiveness brings higher horizons for you.
Bravo Pieter
I know what you did wasn’t easy, but you’re a better person for it. We can all learn from your example.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Hi frank
I thought, forgiveness is easy
But while I red your text I understood that forgiveness depends on the range of bitterness.
I haven’t experienced that but I think if I be in this situation I’ll forgive easy but I can’t forgot
You have a wonderful attitude Fateme. I applaud you 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank