Keeping score may be appropriate in sports, but it doesn’t do much to foster a meaningful relationship. In fact, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a relationship between friends, married couples, or work colleagues … keeping score is highly destructive. Yet some folks are so obsessed with keeping the scales equally balanced that they’re one step away from creating a spreadsheet.
I washed the dishes so you take out the garbage. I paid for the gas so you pick up the tip. I stayed late last time, the least you can do is …
Who’s up? Who’s down? Who cares?
Keeping Score: What Have You Done for Me Lately?
Any way you cut it, keeping score is damaging. Here are some of the costs:
Unproductive. What are you trying to prove? Are you trying to win brownie points for doing something kind, or are you trying to ensure that you don’t get the raw end of the deal? In any case, when a relationship turns competitive, someone is made to feel uncomfortable.
Dissatisfying. Keeping score creates an uncomfortable feeling of obligation. It’s no longer unconditional giving; it’s giving with strings attached. It shifts the emphasis from “want to” to “have to.”
Destructive. Keeping score changes the focus from us to me. A me-centered relationship can lead to bitterness and resentment –– poisoning the relationship over time.
Small-minded. Keeping score fosters a feeling of “what have you done for me lately?” at the expense of investing in a long-term relationship. Keeping score turns a relationship into a competition.
Come to think of it — what are the rules of this game? Is taking the kids to school worth more or less than helping the kids with their homework? Is bringing home a larger paycheck valued more or less than providing emotional support during tough times? If you do something for me today, how much time do I have to even the score? If you pay for something, do I have to buy something of equal value even though you make more money? Is making dinner worth more or less than taking you out? If this sounds absurd, that’s because it is!
Keeping Score Is a Losing Game
Together we’re a team. Healthy relationships are a team effort in which everyone wins or loses together. Emphasis should be placed on attaining your mutual goals rather than on scoring points.
In you I trust. Trust stems, in part, from knowing that someone has your back. Keeping score breeds mistrust and unnecessary anxiety. Time can be better spent doing something meaningful.
Focus on the big picture. If relationships are forever, why is so much emphasis placed on short-term gain? Like anything else of value, relationships require an investment.
Keep game-playing on the field. The desire to measure everything is a colossal waste of time. Instead, do what’s right and the rest should take care of itself.
Life Is Better When You Don’t Keep Score
How do you keep score when people use different scoring systems? Should a deed be measured by its monetary value or by the effort made? Do three small acts equal one big one? Is a monetary contribution worth more than an emotional one? What happens if a gesture is so momentous that it can’t be returned? To make matters more difficult, people often inflate their own contribution and minimize their partner’s actions. For these reasons, and more, keeping score doesn’t add up.
In any good relationship, people give willingly of themselves without an expectation of getting something in return. The reward is not personal gain but rather, making the other person happy. Of course, you will have periods when you take on more responsibility, and your spouse, friend, or colleague will do the same, but over the course of a lifetime, things even out. Will it come out evenly? Probably not, but that’s the point. The joy is in the giving.
In healthy relationships, there’s no game-playing. You place the interests of your spouse, friend, or colleague ahead of your own, and they do the same for you — no questions asked. This isn’t determined by formal agreement. The commitment is much stronger. It’s called a relationship, and it’s where you share, grow, and benefit together. There’s no need to second-guess the intentions of your partner in this relationship or for your partner to doubt yours. You both know that the real reward is the relationship –– the bonus is what you build together. As someone said, “A friend is someone who does things that count, but doesn’t stop to count them.” So save the scorekeeping for the field. Play ball.
What Do You Think?
Additional Reading:
Are You Doing Your Fair Share?
How to Create A Win-Win Relationship
Living the Golden Rule
The Most Important Lesson in Life
A Marriage Made in Heaven
Win-Win Business Relationships
The Cost of Distrust
Why Do You Trust Some People And Mistrust Others?
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If I could sum up life in one simple sentence I would say, “The less we keep score, the less we will be disappointed.”
Lolly Daskal
Lead From Within
Hi Lolly
WOW … that’s profound. “The less we keep score, the less we will be disappointed.” Another way to look at it is that we gain as much, if not more, by giving than receiving so there’s no reason to keep score. There’s nothing like making someone you care about happy.
Have an awesome day!
Frank
Hi Frank- in theory this all makes great sense. In practice, not so much. I recently wrote a blog post called In Building Trust, Stay to the Right.
http://www.trustacrossamerica.com/blog/?p=1922
It talks about givers and takers.
Ironically, or maybe not, it’s the “takers” who find keeping score most troubling. For those who are givers, after awhile, it become mentally impossible not to keep score. Sadly, the world is filled with “what can you do for me” people. The good news, we all have a choice to say “nothing” and reserve the “giving” for those who don’t need to keep score.
Hi Barbara
While you may view this as theory, I assure you some people practice this every day. Good friendships, marriages, and business partnerships are built on a foundation of giving rather than taking. While some people may believe that this is pie-in-the sky, I for one choose to live my life this way –– and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Best,
Frank
Want to know why we have been married over 50 years? Each of us is happy to think we give 80% to the relationship. Those who worry about 51% v 49% are doomed. Marriage is an 80-80 relationship.
Hi Bob
I wholeheartedly agree with you. “Those who worry about 51% v 49% are doomed.” BTW, my wife and I share the same philosophy as yourself. We’ve been married for 34 years. We’re catching up to you 🙂
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
While the world may be filled with ‘what can you do for me’ people, it is also filled with people who care for others from an unselfish point of view, who don’t keep score – who give of themselves not expecting anything in return, who are generous because the joy is in giving.
That said, our society certainly has changed to one where keeping score is increasingly the norm, and society is worse because of it. Witness our political coverage in the news – it’s much more about who’s up and who’s down, who has the power advantage – rather than intelligent discussion about what we can do to help resolve any common problems.
As stated, healthy relationships are a team effort, in which we all gain or lose together. Emphasis is more constructively placed on attaining mutual goals rather than on scoring points, where we share, grow, and benefit together.
.
Hi George
I’m glad that you said our world is “filled with people who care…” Sometimes it seems as though their voices (and actions) get drowned out by others.
The truth is every relationship (marriage, business, teammate, neighbor, friendship) gains when we focus on giving rather than receiving. “I’ve got her back, and she’s got mine.” When that happens there’s simply no need to keep score.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
There are no winners in the game of keeping score. Only losers. If we’re doing things for the right reasons we’re already being paid back – through the satisfaction that giving brings to US. In marriages it’s suicide and in friendships it’s the beginning of a slow and painful end. Great post Frank…like that’s surprising or something.
Hi Anita
Yes. Yes. Yes. “If we do things for the right reasons we’re already being paid back –– through the satisfaction that giving brings to us.” I’m also a big believer in karma. I believe, that if you live a good life, good things will come to you.
Best,
Frank
There are only two ways to look at situations: quantitatively and qualitatively. Sports and business encompass both factors come. But the human relationships within sports, business, . . . and life are 100% qualitative. Those who understand this never think of keeping score. Enjoyed the post, Frank.
You’re right John. Too many of us focus on numbers to the exclusion of everything else. We pay the price by diminishing trust, losing respect and damaging relationships.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank