Norms — The Hidden Forces Shaping Your Life

Norms are cultural or societal rules that guide a wide range of behaviors and are simply understood rather than being explicitly stated. For example, we expect people to be honest, to show up on time, and to say please and thank you. Additionally, we expect them to hold the door open for others, to greet people when they walk into a room, and to treat others with kindness and respect. Furthermore, we expect individuals to wait their turn, return borrowed items promptly, and maintain good personal hygiene.

It’s essential to acknowledge that norms exist not only at home and in the office but also within society at large. Moreover, these norms can vary significantly depending on cultural and national settings. What’s crucial to bear in mind is that norms establish order by defining right and wrong, guiding and shaping acceptable behavior, and enforcing consequences for those who deviate from them. This fosters predictability — which in turn promotes comfort and cultivates trust.

Wrongs committed by enough people become the norm.

The Invisible Rules That Govern Everything

Norms are reinforced through the selection of heroes, participation in rituals and ceremonies, adherence to traditions, storytelling that emphasizes lessons, and most importantly, by role models who lead by example.

Challenges emerge when people deviate from these unwritten rules due to apathy, negligence, immorality, or by subscribing to the preferences of a select few. When people diverge from accepted norms without facing consequences, they gradually erode their identity until they ultimately lose acceptance altogether. One could easily argue that society has begun to deviate from some of our norms and is veering off course.

How many of these statements remain true today?

Do people:

Accept responsibility for their choices?
Respect authority figures?
Resolve conflicts amicably?
Earn rewards or feel entitled to them?
Believe in a purpose higher than themselves?
Respect the cultural differences of others?
Believe that actions have consequences?
Recognize that everyone has the right to their opinion, but not to impose it on others?
Acknowledge that everything worthwhile in life requires an element of sacrifice?
Believe a promise should be as binding as a contract?
Emphasize moral character over superficial labels?
Obey both the letter and the spirit of the law?
Recognize that everyone has a responsibility to contribute?
Acknowledge that neighbors should support one another?
Accept ownership for their destiny?

This doesn’t imply that norms remain static indefinitely. Social norms and acceptable standards of behavior evolve over time, reflecting shifts in values, attitudes, and understanding. In fact, some things that were once deemed unacceptable in the past are now widely embraced.

Critical for Our Survival

With approximately 8.1 billion people inhabiting our planet*, envision a scenario where everyone crafted their own standards of acceptable behavior and pursued their own interests without regard for others. What if every person acted solely in their self-interest, disregarding the consequences for others? What if the loudest voice dictated outcomes, regardless of their position as a minority of one? Or worse yet, what if there were no consequences for leading a dishonorable life? The truth is, no household, workplace, or society could survive, let alone thrive, in that environment. We need unspoken norms to guide us, and it is crucial that people value them enough to uphold them. Norms operate much like the air we breathe — unseen yet critical for our survival. So, advocate for what’s right. As Martin Luther King, Jr., said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Check out Frank’s new book, BECOME: Unleash the Power of Moral Character and Be Proud of the Life You Choose