Regardless of Circumstances, What We Become Is a Choice

To My Readers: I’m honored to republish, with permission, “Regardless of Circumstances, What We Become Is a Choice” by Rodger Dean Duncan, which first appeared in the June 18, 2024, issue of Forbes. Rodger is an international bestselling author, former senior Fortune 100 business executive, and member of two prior White House administrations. He interviewed me about how our choices determine what and who we become.

— Frank Sonnenberg

Regardless of Circumstances, What We Become Is a Choice

By Rodger Dean Duncan Forbes Columnist

If you paid attention in your junior high biology class, you’ll remember the lesson on the life cycle of butterflies.

Your teacher likely showed you photos, and maybe even a time-lapse video, of the egg stage, the hatching, the emergence of the caterpillar, then the miraculous grand entrance of the beautiful butterfly.

In many ways, that marvel of nature is an apt metaphor for our own development as human beings. We may not have literal wings, but through the gift of agency we have choice. And regardless of our circumstances our choices determine what and who we become.

That’s the thesis behind Frank Sonnenberg’s new book Become: Unleash the Power of Moral Character and Be Proud of the Life You Choose.

Frank is an award-winning author and well-known advocate for moral character, values, and personal responsibility. He’s written 11 books and has been named one of “American’s Top 100 Thought Leaders.” He’s served on several boards and has consulted to some of the world’s largest and most respected companies. His blog has attracted millions of readers.

If you’re talking with someone with those kinds of credentials you likely have a lot of questions. Here are some of mine.

In today’s society, simple civility seems to be in troubling short supply. How can a leader (of a family, a team, an organization, or even a nation) foster civility?

Frank offers 11 guideposts to consider:

Never lower your personal standards. Never! If others want to rant or be mean-spirited on social media, let them.
Seek the truth. Search for the truth rather than subscribing to information that supports your existing beliefs.
Think for yourself. While you may think that following the crowd is a safe bet, they may be leading you right off a cliff.
Be objective. Encourage diverse viewpoints.
Encourage debate. You don’t win a debate by suppressing discussion, you win it with a better argument.
Judge ideas, not people. Discuss differences openly, honestly, and respectfully. Focus on the message, not the messenger.
Remember, an opinion is not a fact.
Don’t just talk. Some people don’t communicate. They just take turns talking.
Try to find the merit in each other’s arguments. See their side of an argument before expecting them to see yours.
Identify areas of common agreement and mutual interest.
Put yourself in each other’s shoes. Ask yourself whether you’d be happy to trade places with them.

What can leaders do to encourage team members to take personal responsibility for the quality of their work?

Frank suggests eight practices to keep in mind:

Before holding someone accountable, clearly define the task, the rationale, and the timetable required to complete it. Otherwise, people are left guessing.
Indicate how success will be measured or folks will define it for themselves.
Instead of exercising authority and control, secure commitment by involving others in the decision-making process and obtaining mutually agreed-upon goals.
Provide the resources required to get the job done right.
Instead of micromanaging everything that people do, trust them to do what’s right. Delegate authority not just tasks. And, let them choose how they’ll achieve their goals.
Remember what’s important. As the famous cliché says, “What gets measured gets done.”
It’s not enough to establish goals and objectives. Progress must be evaluated on a regular basis.
If you want excellence, you must recognize and reward it. Period. People stop trying when there’s no benefit for being exceptional and no consequence for being mediocre.

Dependency, Frank says, is a trap that’s easy to enter but hard to escape. How can people learn to be more self-sufficient?

“There’s nothing wrong with seeking someone’s advice, adopting someone’s opinion, or accepting someone’s help occasionally,” Frank says. “But when you become overly dependent, you’re relinquishing the ability to control your life. In short, when you use people as a crutch or ask for handouts that you don’t earn, it strips you of your confidence, robs you of your dignity, and deprives you of the joy of living a meaningful life. If this sounds unappealing, remember that this way of living isn’t imposed on you. It’s your choice.”

He offers this introspective question: When all is said and done, who’s more capable of satisfying your needs than you?

“If you can’t depend on yourself, what does that portend about your future? As the saying goes, ‘Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.’ Grab hold of it rather than relinquishing that responsibility to others. After all, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.”

The so-called “toxic workplace” comes in many forms. What are the telltale signs of such an environment?

“Some people are toxic,” he says. “They’re selfish, rude, intolerant, self-centered, close-minded, judgmental, lazy, envious — and the list goes on. In their world of ‘anything goes,’ they say and do things without any regard for the damage they’re leaving in their wake.”

What’s Frank’s advice for people who feel stuck in such a workplace?

Embrace the fact that you cannot control how others behave, but you can control your response to them.

“Be the person others look up to — whose character is beyond reproach,” he says. “Be the person who lives with honor and integrity, commands everyone’s respect, and makes decisions based on what’s right rather than what’s convenient. It won’t always be popular. It won’t always be easy, but you can take great pride in knowing that you’re setting the standard for excellence. At the end of the day, if you’re not proud of who you are and the way you choose to live your life, little else matters.”

How can people proactively navigate their daily lives so they’re more likely to be happy?

Here are some questions worth asking yourself: Do you look on the bright side or harp on the problems, see the good in people or nitpick their faults, envision the possibilities or fear the dangers?

Frank recommends taking this challenge.

“For the next week, there will be no complaining, no worrying, no judgment, no jealousy, and no self-defeating thoughts,” he says. “That means that you must be optimistic, see the good in everything, and be a positive influence in other people’s lives.”

He knows that seems like a big ask, but he believes you can do it.

“Think how much happier you’ll be if you choose to be positive, see the silver lining, and appreciate all the wonderful things in your life,” he says. “When you see the good in the world, make people feel special, and serve as a positive influence, your soul will smile.”

A final question: With only one shot at life, how can you find and create meaning?

“We’re sometimes so busy running on a treadmill to nowhere that we lose focus of the things that really matter,” Frank says. “Before you know it, the seconds become minutes, the days become weeks, and the months become years.”

When you look back on your life, he asks, “will you gauge success by the power that you attained and the wealth that you accumulated? Or will you measure the degree to which your life was rich in character and purpose? Will it matter that you led an honorable existence, made a difference in people’s lives, and left the world a better place for your children? The truth is that a meaningful life isn’t measured by what you accumulate, but by what you give to others.”

Parents give you life, Frank says. “Only you can give it meaning.”

Check out Frank’s new book, BECOME: Unleash the Power of Moral Character and Be Proud of the Life You Choose.

Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.

Dr. Rodger Dean Duncan is the award-winning, bestselling author of CHANGE-friendly LEADERSHIP: How to Transform Good Intentions into Great Performance. He’s a regular contributor to Forbes.com, a platform that reaches 75 million readers each month.