If you’re a parent, I’m sure you remember the terrible twos. It’s a normal phase in a child’s development that’s marked by a burning desire for independence. The terrible twos are often accompanied by outbursts, frustration, and defiant behavior. (Ugh.) Two-year olds have an insatiable curiosity to explore the world and find a way to get into everything. They’re simply testing boundaries and learning what they can get away with; in some cases, they face consequences for those actions. As parents, it’s important to take a deep breath, stay calm, and remain in control — or at least, pretend to be running the show.
If a child touches a stove, they learn a hard lesson firsthand. Other times, parents teach right from wrong by disciplining their children in a caring and loving manner. In actuality, this is the child’s first exposure to that all-important lesson — actions have consequences.
As we all get older, we either adapt to cultural norms or pay the piper for failing to do so. Deterrents can range from the fear of being scolded, getting fired, being sued, or receiving public scorn; importantly, your conscience has a say. After all, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
BUT what would happen if there were no consequences — and those who the broke rules and social norms, got away with everything? What message would we be sending to the wrongdoer, our children, and society at large?
When you don’t face consequences…there are consequences for that, too.
Face the Facts or Suffer the Consequences
What happens when someone shows disrespect, tells a lie, bullies a peer, uses foul language, gets into a fight, cheats to win, steals merchandise — and there are no consequences?
The line between right and wrong becomes blurred. If good behavior isn’t rewarded and poor behavior isn’t frowned upon, it’s easy to forget the proper way to behave.
Learning fails to take place. If unacceptable behavior isn’t questioned or challenged, learning doesn’t take place. Before you know it, bad behavior turns into a bad habit.
Wrongdoings get repeated. If there are no repercussions for misconduct, you increase the likelihood that the offense will be repeated.
The next offense often gets bigger. If there’s no fallout for unacceptable behavior, the offense will likely not only get repeated, but the wrongdoer may try to get away with more the next time.
Improper behavior becomes the norm. People mimic the behavior of others. Before you know it, unacceptable behavior becomes acceptable to everyone. Wrongs committed by enough people become the norm.
Some folks believe we should address big offenses but let small infractions slide. The problem with that line of reasoning is that we become desensitized to wrongdoings over time. This nightmare scenario can happen if we close our eyes to misconduct, cover for the misdeeds of others, or defend people’s actions simply because we have a vested interest in the outcome.
If everything’s treated as an exception, there is no rule.
You Can’t Escape the Consequences
While you may think this article is about punishments, that’s not the case. The fact is that punishments are reactive — administered after an offense is committed. Instead, we should promote strength of character, solid personal values, and personal responsibility all the time.
That’s why we must draw a sharp distinction between right and wrong and be consistent in promoting those principles and applying deterrents. Furthermore, we must apply those ideals in a fair, objective, and consistent manner. Above all, we must demonstrate their importance through leading by example.
Last but not least, YOU must accept responsibility for your actions. You set your course, make the difficult choices, determine what you’re willing to sacrifice to achieve your goals, and act accordingly. While you have the freedom to do what’s right for you, you’re not free from the consequences of your actions. The key is that you own your life. Choose wisely — because there are consequences.
Do You Hold People Accountable?
Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.
Additional Reading:
It’s Vital to Say Please and Thank You. Here’s Why…
You Made Your Bed …
With All Due DISrespect…Clean Up Your Act
Take Ownership By Taking Responsibility
9 Powerful Reasons Why Your Moral Character Matters
Make Good Choices
Would You Do Something Unethical If You Could Get Away with It?
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Someone should send this post to the governor of California. Apparently, he had no clue.
Hi Debbie
When I began this journey, I promised myself never to disparage a person/company or write/comment about politics. (I’ll leave that to others.) I want this blog to be positive and uplifting. So, excuse me if I don’t respond directly to you.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Great article, I needed to read this one. Just got released from jail and I’m planning on writing about my journey. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks Deb. I’m glad you like it.
Good luck writing about your journey. Please let me know when it’s finished. I’d love to read it.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
I am a housekeeper for a gal with 3 children, 8, 6, 3. I have been cleaning for her since the 8 year old was 1.5 years old. The two older ones, both boys, are the most destructive, non-caring, out of control kids I have ever seen. It went from cleaning her house to picking up her house because the kids have zero responsibilities and mom doesn’t enforce any rules or chores. I go there once a week and each time it is as if a tornado, hurricane, earthquake has gone through the home, the ENTIRE house is a playground, including moms car! Absolutely NOTHING is off limits to these kids, nothing! Clothes come off and tossed wherever, garbage gets tossed anywhere but the trash can, food all over the place, markings all over the walls, couch, counters, glue and sticky toys mushed up in the carpet, it is unbelievable!! They seriously have every toy known to man and they get anything they ask for. Anything that is new one week is broken the next. The middle boy is the worst, he will climb on top of my vacuum, unplug my vacuum, throw things at me, swim on the freshly mopped floor, and one time he threw water on me. Mom gives in to any crying, she also bribes. All three kids are still in diapers!!! I could go on and on. Here I am watching these kids grow and misbehave and there is nothing I can do or say. It is so hard to bite my tongue and I’m sure your jaw is on the floor. Ohh, and none of them are in school BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE IT! I wonder what their future holds, it is so sad.
Hi Danele
I hear what you’re saying and understand why you’re upset. I believe parents have a responsibility to raise their kids to be good people and productive members of society. That means teaching their kids the difference between right and wrong and the importance of living by those principles. That doesn’t happen by chance. If parents don’t address poor behavior, they’re encouraging it though inaction. As I say, “Behind every good kid are parents who understand the importance of raising them that way.” I hope that the family you work for sees the light before their habits become too ingrained in their behavior. If not, I’m afraid they’ll learn their lesson the hard way.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Our school decided to drop consequences because they don’t want to hurt the feelings of a young child. K-3rd grade.
My question is how to turn this around. Consequences shape who we become, they probably even determine what kind of adult we become with the choices we make.
It’s only been two years but already the students are running a muck.
Nothing makes my heart sink more than seeing a bullied kid sent to another part of the playground and the bully can stay where he/she is. That is SO incredibly backwards.
Thoughts? Please?
Hi Tammy
My heart goes out to you and the kids.
How are kids supposed to learn the difference between right and wrong if we don’t teach them? Moreover, while we don’t want to hurt the feelings of the bully, the teachers who enforce the policy are complicit in hurting the victim.
If the rules aren’t working, why aren’t they changed?
I believe that transparency is key. Do parents know the policy? Are they aware of how it’s affecting their kids? Is the “abuse” being documented and presented to the administration? Are the policy-makers held accountable or held to account for the harm that its causing the children? Truth is very powerful. If violations are allowed to be swept under the rug, nothing will change.
Thank you for your passion, courage, and care. The children are very lucky to have you in their corner.
Best,
Frank
Frank,
Several fellow teachers just received this from one of our fellow teachers regarding a “problem student” (he’s a high school JR). I’d like your thoughts. I like this kid but school is not a high priority for him and this teacher is trying to “help” him. I took names out (including principal that ok’ed this).
Please give me some thoughts as I’m pretty amped up about this and want to be constructive.
Fellow instructors of XXXXXXXX
I’m spearheading a ‘social-academic experiment’ to allow us all to BE THE WHY!
I’m asking all of you to go back through the gradebook and any assignments that the above student has scored below a 69 on, to change the grade to a 69.
We’re taking all the F’s and turning them into the best F’s possible. This should put him with very close to 69 or a little over going into this progress report.
Now it will be up to him to maintain and move into passing to finish off the year passing this half for most his classes. Otherwise, he would have dug too deep a hole to recover from mathematically.
I don’t know if he’s ever had anyone in his corner, but this is how we can put it back in his hands where he can see the opportunity. Otherwise, what would you expect a student to do if they have a 14 if your class?
Please consider doing this, and Ms XXXXXXX is aware and is not against it.
I thank you and I truly think we can save him with this effort.
Hi Spike
I wish you received a letter saying, “We have a student that I’ve been concerned about for some time. Although I believe that he/she is capable of so much, he/she is currently not making the grade. Before we get to the point of no return, I need your help. I know how busy you are, but this is our chance to make a difference in a kid’s life. After all, that’s why we entered this profession, right? What can we do, as a team, to help him/her?….”
The bottom line … I question whether passing the student is actually helping the student in the long run.
When you have a moment, please read my essay, Are You Preparing Your Kid for the Real World?
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank