Why are cheating, stealing, lying, and bullying so prevalent today? Don’t folks know the difference between right and wrong? More importantly, don’t they care? You have to wonder whether the offenders would have turned out the same way if they had received a dose of tough love while they were young.
Here are some common scenarios that occur every day:
- “I let him run around during dinner because I don’t have the heart to discipline him.”
- “We won’t make her bring the stolen item back to the store because it’s not that expensive.”
- “We didn’t punish him for getting into the fight, because kids will be kids.”
- “I didn’t confront him after he got caught cheating because everyone does it.”
- “We let her go out with him even though he spells trouble because we can’t pick her friends.”
Sometimes, we think we’re doing our kids a favor by giving them space, avoiding confrontation, or covering for their misdeeds. We justify our actions by not wanting to make a scene in public or because we need some personal downtime after a tough day. The truth is, even though our excuses may seem “valid” in that moment, actions or non-actions have consequences.
If our kids don’t learn the difference between right and wrong when they’re young, bad behavior will eventually turn into bad habits that are impossible to break.
A Little Tough Love Goes a Long Way
Nurturing is a parent’s responsibility. Parents must teach their kids the difference between right and wrong. This is not a role to be delegated to others. These lessons shape character and form the foundation of a child’s conscience –– a guiding force through life. Behind every good kid is a parent or caregiver who understands the importance of raising the child that way.
The buck stops with you. Everyone must be responsible and accountable for their actions. Good behavior should be celebrated and bad behavior disciplined. No one should receive a pass. This applies to all folks, whether they are prominent and successful or not and regardless of whether we like them personally. Remember, if we don’t address bad behavior, we are implicitly encouraging it through our inaction.
Excuses are no excuse. We must stop tolerating poor behavior. Period. We can’t “let someone off the hook” because it’s convenient or because we dislike confrontation. Furthermore, excuses noting the “small size” of the infraction or that “everyone does it” don’t cut it anymore. Right is right and wrong is wrong. When we blur the difference between right and wrong, we create confusion and minimize the significance of poor behavior.
Actions must have consequences. Positive and negative reinforcement should be timely and consistent. Likewise, punishments should be commensurate with the “crime.” Tough love is not easy to dole out, but there are times when it’s necessary. Saying “no” to your child, when warranted, can be tantamount to an act of love.
Role models play an important role. Every time a revered role model exhibits inappropriate behavior, it may have an adverse impact on our kids and on society. The next time you question whether celebrities influence behavior, ask yourself why they are paid so handsomely to endorse products. The fact is, we should publicly shame role models who exhibit disgraceful behavior, while also letting their sponsors learn of our displeasure.
The rule of law. Rules and laws should be either enforced or eliminated. Furthermore, they should be fairly and equally applied to everyone. It’s important to note that when enough people break rules and laws, those rules not only become meaningless — they also invite cynicism and defiance.
Speak up. When we turn a blind eye to poor behavior, we’re enabling it. It’s not enough for us to throw up our hands in disgust. It’s time to speak up with conviction. Each and every voice matters.
Don’t be an enabler. It’s time to stop covering for someone because it’s profitable! Enough with the spin! Anyone who promotes, covers for, or hides indiscretion is as guilty as those who commit these acts. You can’t have it both ways. You’re either for it or against it.
Tough Love: Prove That You Care
Next time you see someone cheat, steal, curse, or lie, remember that we’re each partly to blame for the behavior. We continue to admire celebrities and athletes even though they live reckless lives; we continue to vote for corrupt politicians even after they disgrace their offices; and we accept excuses, turn a blind eye, and accept the shameful behavior of role models because we’re either too apathetic or too lazy to call them out — or because it’s more convenient for us to look the other way. The truth is, some of this behavior exists because we allow it to exist.
Some may believe we’re doing people a favor by giving them a pass, but you be the judge: What incentive do these folks have to stop misbehaving? What are the chances that their “crime” will be even bigger next time? What do onlookers learn when offensive actions have no consequences? And, given their poor behavior . . . what chance do these offenders have to be successful in life if they don’t change course?
It’s time raise the bar; it’s time to stand up for what’s right; it’s time to lift our collective conscience. We must not let our kids fall through the cracks. We must not let ourselves become desensitized to these ills. We must not shy away from our responsibilities. This runaway train must be stopped before it derails. While we may not be able to change the world, we can change the world around us. Begin today. It’s time for tough love.
What do you think about tough love? Your comments are appreciated.
Additional Reading:
Honesty: The Plain and Simple Truth
Dependency: Killing People with Kindness
The Many Faces of Greed
Ethics as Usual
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As leaders, parents, educators, bosses, we need to know the balance of Tough love and Soft love.
There is strength in tough love, it helps us discriminate between what is right or wrong. What has value what has not, what is respected what is not.
Soft love is not soft. Its about being courageous.
It is about stepping up, showing up and speaking up.
It simply means that you are balanced and the pursuit of mastery is a lifelong journey, and that journey begins with you. Soft and Tough.
Hi Lolly
Thanks for emphasizing the importance of being courageous –– “stepping up, showing up, and speaking up.”
We must reawaken a commitment to personal values and personal responsibility. This can be demonstrated both through our words and actions.
Best,
Frank
Thank you again Frank for another on-target article. This one should be published in every major news paper, and every school should be sending a flyer home with all their students for both parents and children to read. Change has to start with everyone making an effort even when it is difficult. Every parent who loves their child should show some tough love so that the quality of their children’s lives can be that much better.
Well said Janet.
“Every parent who loves their child should show some tough love so that the quality of their children’s lives can be that much better.”
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Best,
Frank
Thank you, Frank! Your successes, both personal and professional, are clear and indisputable evidence of the validity and importance of your philosophies. Proud to know you!!
Thank you Lisa. You’re very kind. I’m honored to call you my friend.
Best,
Frank
I love what you’re saying about speaking up. So many don’t. It’s so much easier to stay out of it; to complain about it somewhere else; to avoid confrontation. But each time we do this, it gets a little worse and keeps building until people start to wonder how it ever got so bad.
Great post Frank. Hoping this inspires many to take action.
Rossana
Your words ring so true. It’s always easy to wait for the next guy to do the heavy lifting so that we all can benefit. The problem is, no one makes the first move. Then, we’re all forced to live with the consequences.
Thanks for sharing this post with your friends and colleagues 🙂
Best,
Frank
Frank- what’s that saying about the “Apple not falling far from the tree?” The assumption is that parents have the right skill set to teach tough love. In my observation of (most) parents, they don’t have a clue, or they are “too busy.” And so the cycle repeats itself.
Hi Barbara
Thanks for your thoughts. The most important thing we can leave to our kids are good values, a sound education and wonderful memories. It doesn’t require money. It requires care and dedication. That’s what parenting is all about. It’s also important to hold business leaders, politicians, and celebrities accountable for their actions. As role models they influence people, positively or negatively, every day.
Best,
Frank
great post frank. And very timely advice for someone with a very active 2 1/2 year old little boy at the moment… 😉
Thanks Fred
I’m sure you son will grow up to be a fine person. He has wonderful parents. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Best,
Frank
While I couldn’t agree more that one should live one’s life doing what’s right, let’s be honest and admit that this is not what politicians and big businessmen do.
It’s rare to hear politicians speak the truth about anything; it’s mostly a pack of lies. Those in big business, especially those on Wall Street, are close behind, with their deceptive practices and unabashed greed. To them, twenty room houses and six cars are what counts, not quaint ideas of right and wrong.
In fact, in the last few decades, these two groups work hand in glove, with our corrupt politicians gladly accepting campaign money (aka: bribes) to dance to the tune of the shameless business lobbyists – the public be damned. The ‘rule of law’ is a sad joke – influence and money is the name of the game.
Speaking up is important, and can have very positive results in smaller settings, such as the family or place of work, but is limited in a broader context, such as speaking up politically. In terms of role models and personal responsibility, most political apologies are half-heated and insincere, and rare is the politician who says ‘I made a mistake’ – it’s usually ‘mistakes were made.’
In conclusion, you’re quite correct to say that actions must have consequences, that both positive and negative reinforcement is necessary, and that tough love is occasionally essential. In Hamlet, Shakespeare used the phrase “I must be cruel only to be kind”- cruel in this case meaning tough love. Keep the faith !
Hi George
I hear what you’re saying. I especially like your comment, “rare is the politician who says ‘I made a mistake’ – it’s usually ‘mistakes were made.’”
I don’t really like to condemn entire groups such as politicians or Wall Street leaders because I believe there are good/bad politicians as well as good/bad business leaders. We should also be careful not to condemn other groups in a broad-based manner. Furthermore, the media should disclose when they’re reporting fact versus giving us their opinion. If not, they will lose their credibility as well as their audience.
A friend once commented that in a democracy we get what we deserve.
Our “vote” can take many forms: Consumers can shun untrustworthy businesses; Talented employees can gravitate to trustworthy organizations; Citizens can send corrupt politicians back home.
This has to start somewhere. If everyone takes it upon themselves to say enough is enough (any way they choose) character, personal values, and personal responsibility will rise to prominence once again. We’ll ALL benefit as a result.
Thanks for advancing the conversation.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
I agree with most of your reply, but disagree when you say that ‘citizens can send corrupt politicians back home.’ What if the politicians from both political parties are corrupt, in the sense that they all accept money in exchange for special treatment or favorable votes ? Then the choice isn’t between good and bad, but between appalling and worse.
In your introduction to today’s blog, you ask the question ‘why are cheating, stealing, lying and bullying so common today ?’ I submit it’s because the playing field is so lopsided, and the consequences or penalties for bad behavior are slim to none, and that our society is too preoccupied, weak or apathetic to fight it.
I agree with you, though, that showing tough love, as well as compassion, integrity and honesty, is important in one’s personal life, and in a life well lived. I further agree with you that, while we may not be able to change the world, we can change the world immediately around us. That is a worthy goal, and a battle worth fighting.
Hi George
Many generations of Americans faced tougher challenges than we face today. They met their challenges head on. In fact, many brave individuals gave their lives so that we’re able to live free today.
Today we face a crisis of character. We must restore honor into every area of life. We can do anything if we put our minds to it. It’s time that we step up to the challenge.
Best,
Frank
Frank,
It amazes me more and more as I get older just how impressionable people can be. Couple that with your average dose of laziness, softening work ethics and being wrapped up in a million petty things every day, it seems like what we all need to make more time for is LEADING BY EXAMPLE.
Tough love or soft love, we show each other how to love by loving. The best example I ever had of how people love each other, treat each other and care for each other is my own parents. I know one of the biggest burdens my wife and I now carry is to pass that along to our son, and its not going to be reading from a book…its going to be by example. You can bet a hefty portion of that life lesson will need to come in the form of what some would call ‘tough love’. Thanks for another provoking topic/post and happy st. valentines to all!
BRAVO Marc
Leading by example is absolutely the answer.
You’re accepting responsibility to be a good role model; to lead an honest and trustworthy life; to set high expectations for yourself and for those around you; to pull others up, with you, as you climb the ladder of success; AND to raise your son to be a good person through the example that you and your wife set for him. Your son is VERY lucky to have you guys as parents. YOUR parents did good!
Have an awesome day!
Best,
Frank
Yeah tough love is required, you can’t let a man cheat because he is a man and most men do it. Letting kids go away with being wrong because you lazy to discipline or being afraid to appearing as a bad parent with no love is not good, ask yourself what kind of person will your child be as an adult?
Hi Glow
You’re right. Being lazy to discipline kids is not good. I always like to say, “Behind every good kid are parents who understand the importance of raising them that way.”
Have a great weekend!
Best,
Frank
You bring up a very good subject Frank. There seems to be a balancing act to expressing tough love. What I mean by this is that there is a blurring line from “speaking the truth” in love and “speaking unintended ignorance” while we are thinking that we are speaking in love.
I have been in business situations where employees are thinking that they are righteously speaking out when in reality its nothing but distorted out of control mean gossip. I have also witnessed parents ignorantly disciplining their child over nothing and disenfranchising themselves from having a healthy credible nurturing relationship.
First we need to be intimately acquainted with truthful accountability with ourselves before we can properly take the speck out of our fellow human’s eye. What I am saying here is that we need to be tough on our self first in order to be empowered properly to express tough love on others. If we don’t work on ourselves first, tough love can unfortunately come from a place that can be very destructive.
Please don’t misconstrue me here. If we see someone bullying, we have no time to self-reflect, we need to speak out. Life’s fast circumstances come at us like a sizzling hot potato in our hands where we find ourselves having to go into action. But while all this is happening we need to cultivate an emphasis of working out our own salvation. We need to ferret out our own hypocrisies. The more the log in our own eye gets whittled down the better we are when we express tough love.
Hi Mark
You raise a very important point; It is critical for us to be informed before we speak out on an issue or we are perpetuating falsehoods. As you say, “There is a blurring line from ‘speaking the truth’ in love and ‘speaking unintended ignorance’ while we are thinking that we are speaking in love.”
I also agree with you and Marc that ACTIONS speak louder than words. A role model should lead by example every day.
Thanks for advancing the conversation.
Best,
Frank
Great article!! The truth of the matter is that our new generation has taken God out of the picture. Without God’s love , protection and wisdom, we become people with no values and morals.
Hi Sonia–
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
I’m honestly not sure why we have a crisis of character, but I’m convinced we can re-introduce personal values into daily life –– if we care.
It won’t be done for us, it must be by us. Keep the faith 🙂
Best,
Frank
Illuminating…I’ve read every word with my heart’s intention. We should be all more conscientious & accountable for whatever that is ungodly and bring to restoration & deliverance. We have become a part of this secular world that our ears are deaf, eyes blind, our speech curtailed with fear and our taste & touch are insipid & disconnected. We have compromised the truth of how we should live that is; proactive in initiating tough love under God’s covering & covenant.
Bravo Shing. Well Said!!!
Frank
Another great one Frank. However I feel compelled to go you one better. You rightly note that people create rules and advocate morality but then ignore their own words. But hypocrisy has been compounded today by the pernicious undermining of all rules and morality in the first place. Moral relativism and multi culturalism keep trying to tell us that all morality and standards are just matters of opinion in the first place. Again you hit the nail square just couldn’t resist adding my own two cents. Well done. Augie
Hello Frank,
What a great article! I think kids are the result of what they saw at home. Parents have a lot of responsibility by raising a child and the impact that they are going to cause will last all their kids life. It’s sad to see that some parents still don’t know that love means discipline, obedience, and respect. If we are loved, our parents will discipline to ensure that we know what right is right and what is wrong is wrong.
Thank you,
Hi Daisy
You’re absolutely right. We live in a PC world where disciplining kids is sometimes frowned upon. That doesn’t do anyone any good. If you, as a parent, don’t pass your values on to your kids, someone else will.
The bottom line is, “Behind every good kid are parents or caregivers who understand the importance of raising them this way.”
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank