Did you ever try to change someone, but they were unwilling to do so? While you probably thought it would be easy, it was like pushing a boulder up a hill. You pushed, they resisted. You pushed harder, they resisted more. Frustrating. Right? What’s wrong with them? you wondered. Why are they so stubborn? Why don’t they see the situation like me? Did you ever consider that you may be part of the problem? The truth is, you can’t force people to change.
The more you try to pressure or intimidate people to change, the less likely they are to do so. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a loving parent, a concerned friend, or a determined leader, you can’t force people to change; they must be willing participants.
People don’t resist change; they resist being changed.
Go Ahead, Make Me
Let’s step back and examine the forces at play. From your perspective, you think your guidance should be welcomed. After all, it’s in their best interest. Right? So you expect compliance without delay. Of course, if change doesn’t occur immediately, you lose patience. The truth is, while your recommendation may seem like a no-brainer to you, it’s not that obvious to everyone else. After all, some folks are afraid of failure, while others fear the unknown or are simply set in their ways. That may explain why the harder you pushed, the harder they pushed back.
In addition, while some folks dig in their heels and cry foul, others go silent or shut down. While you think you’ve made headway, their silence says everything. The best you’re likely to achieve is compliance. But you may also create animosity, anxiety, or resentment, or possibly damage trust along the way.
Just because a person is silent doesn’t mean there’s no message.
A Better Way to Introduce Change
It doesn’t matter whether you’d like someone to live a healthier lifestyle, break a bad habit, or implement a new business strategy — forcing people to change is a losing strategy. While it takes more time, upfront, to introduce change correctly, it’ll save you a lot of aggravation in the long run.
People change only when change is their choice.
What can you do to encourage change? Here are 10 guideposts for your consideration:
Establish intent. Demonstrate that you understand everyone’s situation and you’re acting in their best interest.
Build up trust. People are more receptive to change if they trust and respect you rather than if change is demanded. Knowledge, experience, and credibility go a long way toward that end.
Educate. Share your knowledge rather than assuming that everyone’s on the same page.
Justify. Explain your assumptions and the rationale behind your thinking. In addition, allow time for people to absorb the information. Rushing people is heavy handed.
Involve. Create an environment in which you encourage change rather than demand it. If you ram change down people’s throats, you’ll choke on the results.
Create a sense of urgency. Present the benefits of moving forward and the consequences of sitting idle.
Set realistic expectations. Adopt reasonable objectives rather than shooting for the moon.
Build momentum. Set achievable, short-term goals. Small wins will keep everyone motivated as you pursue your long-term targets.
Establish ownership. Encourage all involved to own the process and be accountable for results.
Reinforce. Set milestones and measure progress along the way. There is great truth to the saying “What gets measured gets done.”
Make Change Their Choice
If your modus operandi is abrupt, if you make threats or bully people to change, it’s time for you to change your tune. Ask yourself four questions. “What’s the case for change? How do people benefit? What’s holding them back? And why should they begin today?” If you don’t know the answers to these questions, neither will they. As Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese philosopher, said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Encouraging change is a step in the right direction. You can’t force people to change.
Do You Force People to Change?
Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.
Additional Reading:
Fallacies About Change
Change Your Priorities: Change Your Life
30 Habits that Create Enormous Distress
Silence…Now Hear This
What Do Your Habits Say About You?
A Simple Reminder that Could Change Your Life
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My husband is constantly trying to change me into being a person who wants a Show House as their home. I like to keep mementoes, particularly to remind me of my children. I have a terrible memory and looking at mementos help me remember past events. My husband doesn’t understand why I would want to keep things. If it has no use or job now he has to throw it away. I am sat alone in the park right now as he is having his regular tantrum clear out. I can’t bare to be in the house as he literally burns our children’s belongings. I want a home not a Interior Designer’s front page model house.
Hi Anon
I understand your situation and feel for both of you. This is one of those cases in which both of you may be right.
I wonder if there’s a solution in which both of you can win rather than making it all or nothing. As I say, “Compromise is a win-win strategy.”
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
I’m really struggling with my issues of controlling my wife. I often rationalize my controlling behavior by saying that I know better, or by saying to myself she should be doing this but she isn’t. The thing is my wife drinks heavily, everyday. She has become short tempered with our two kids and they don’t seem to want to be around her anymore. She has become violent on only a couple of occasions and struck me in the face. She has been very verbally abusive towards me and I’m always on alert when she starts to drink because if she has enough I know I’m in for it. I hate what drinking has done to her, to me, to our family. I suggested maybe taking a week off from drinking and she blew up at me saying that I am trying to control her. I feel like controlling someone is definitely not healthy but when it comes to my situation, watching her make the same mistakes over and over again hurts worse than trying to get her to stop drinking so much.
Hi Shawn
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to offer advice on the matter. I suggest that you contact a professional to help your family with this issue. They are trained to help with matters such as this.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
I was never a social butterfly growing up. I am still not but I do mingle and talk more. At one point, during middle and high school, my parents tried to force me to be more social. My mother even took it to the point where she threatened to punish me if I didn’t make any friends. Did it work? No. I was very self-conscious and shy; I didn’t like talking to others and I didn’t fit in well in high school. I was the “outcast”, though I didn’t get bullied.
I am now in my early 30s. I am still not social, but I am better. It has been a while already, but my parents since accepted the fact that I will never be a social butterfly. And that’s okay.
It’s important to draw a distinction between being shy versus being an introvert. Folks who are shy want to engage with others, but are afraid to do so. Introverts, on the other hand, have no problem socializing. They simply prefer to be in small groups or even alone. Only you can determine what makes you happy. I’m certain you’ll find the right answer and pursue what’s right for you.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
My mother was trying to change me all the time.Dressing me and telling me what to eat to stay thin.Hated her guts for it.
Hi Sylvianne
Most parents want what’s in their child’s best interest.
That said, when people force change on others, rather than persuade them to embrace it, most recipients fight change rather than putting their energy to good use.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
The only conversation I have with my now ex partner is for me to “change”. It’s been like this for the past year. I see her point and did my best although unrecognized efforts, however her remarks never changed. I truly resent being changed, and despise the word ‘change’ itself.
Should I have stayed and do better, or is the attitude we have worth leaving the relationship?
I don’t like “changing” for people, I feel better in my own skin, but deep down I also fear confronting her would cause any unwanted irreversible change.
Do you think we should conform to others? I believe I don’t have any issues, nor am I undergoing a life crisis of some sort, what is there to change? If it’s my personality, a mindset, a philosophy, should that change? I don’t intend to sound harsh and apologize if I do, I just want someone to convince me, instead of enforcing ‘change’.
Thank you in advance,
Hi vel
It’s unfair to comment on your specific situation, but I can provide a few principles for your consideration.
I believe that in any good relationship, folks accept each other for who they are, not for who you wish them to be.
I also believe it’s very healthy for people to be open and honest in any relationship. If something is bothering either of you, don’t let it fester. Speak your mind. And remember, don’t just talk…communicate.
In addition, it’s important to be empathetic — not just hearing what’s being said, but trying to read between the lines — understanding why each point is important to them.
Last, I believe that people change when change is their choice. You’re the only one who can decide whether her request is fair and reasonable, and whether you’re willing to change your ways.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Good article. My sister, who has been my guardian since childhood, has been trying to get services to help me, after I was diagnosed with autism at a pretty late age. I am aware that I can’t rely on my family forever, but when my sister brings up my employment status, she tends to say things like “You have to do this” or “You can’t keep saying ‘I don’t want a job’.” It’s not just that I’m disinterested in finding a job. I’m terrified at the real possibility of being abused and taken advantage of in the workplace. I’m not confident in my abilities, nor do I fully understand what I can offer. Though my sister claims that I’m capable, I certainly struggle with things like taking criticism or time management. By nagging me about my employment status, I feel like my sister is forcing her expectations on me, instead of actually addressing the root causes of why I feel the way I feel. I do want to be less dependent on her, but if I am to actually get there, I need to be guided by someone who will be calm, patient, and work with my needs. Even today, my sister still struggles to understand my needs and has yet to fully acknowledge that she is part of the reason I am the way I am.
Hi Irene
I understand your situation and feel for both of you. It’s unfair to provide specific advice without knowing you or your specific situation. I hope that you will be able to resolve your differences one day.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank