So, you’re a vegetarian? Great. You go to the gym every day? Wonderful. You lost 14 pounds on your newfangled diet? I’m happy for you. You’re voting for the Democratic (Republican or Independent) candidate? Super. You’re a devoted person of faith? Good for you. Now, do you want my opinion?
It’s wonderful that you’ve assumed such a healthy lifestyle; that you’re so passionate about your beliefs and committed to your causes; and that you want to raise your kids just like your parents raised you.
But . . .
But that doesn’t mean I have to agree with you. Believe me, I’m not trying to pass judgment; quite to the contrary. Unlike multiple-choice tests, in life there may be two right answers to the same question. And I know what’s right for me. I have strong beliefs and am passionate about my values too.
I don’t mind if you ask me to follow your lead every once in a while, but I’m afraid that you’re misconstruing my silence (a.k.a. “No, I don’t happen to agree with you”) for an answer. And you’re making me feel uncomfortable. So, you’re welcome to your own opinion, but PLEASE let me be me.
My Opinion Or the Highway
On a small scale, forcing your opinions upon others can lead to arguments and damaged relationships. It can pit friend against friend, create strife among family members, generate tension in the workplace, and cause gridlock in government. On a larger scale, forcing one’s values on others can lead to war.
The fact remains that if someone chooses to live a certain way, and it doesn’t infringe on anyone’s freedom, it’s their choice to make. With that in mind, a true friend is one who respects a friend for who he is, rather than who he wants him to be. It’s important to be respectful of other people’s ways of life and traditions –– even if you’re not in complete agreement.
Sometimes, however, it’s not that simple –– especially when one’s beliefs and values encroach on another’s freedom. In fact, some issues today are responsible for the polarization that is paralyzing our country’s political process. Rather than striving to seek compromise, it seems that the new standard of discourse is “My Way Or the Highway.” This is a shortsighted and ultimately destructive attitude that is a “lose-lose” for everyone. We can’t expect others to abandon their values any more than we would forsake our own.
The fact is, we live in a world that’s getting smaller every day. It’s important to be tolerant of other people’s cultures and values, recognizing that no one has the right to force his way of life on anyone else.
Building Bridges . . .
This does not mean that people shouldn’t speak out for their beliefs. This process, however, must be civil and respectful of others’ views. In fact, the manner we use to air our differences of opinion is the signal we send to others about our willingness to build bridges of trust. If we view every issue as a “take no prisoners” battle, or use underhanded (or dishonest) means to influence opinions, the outcome is likely to be ugly. No bridges will be built, and any existing structures of understanding that link us will be quickly demolished, On the other hand, if we’re sensitive to other people’s views and avoid forcing our opinions, then we’re far more likely to achieve a satisfactory outcome. Furthermore, this process will enable us to build a trusting relationship going forward rather than a process that is poisoned from the outset.
Here are some considerations to promote an amicable debate:
Ground rules
- When a disagreement arises, all discussion should focus on the merits of each position, without denigration of others. There’s no need to either disparage anyone or resort to personal attacks.
Nothing but the facts
- Timely and accurate information is an important ingredient of successful debate. As Daniel Patrick Moynihan once said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.”
- Does everyone view the issue from the same perspective? Is everyone taking the same short- or long-term perspective? Does the issue affect everyone the same way?
- Is everyone being fair and objective? Are people letting their personal biases influence their positions? Are unstated factors clouding their judgment? Is their bias based on uninformed or outdated thinking?
- Is someone trying to influence the decision? Do they have a separate agenda or a vested interest in the outcome?
- Are any of the negotiators in it just to be “spoilers” with no real stake in the outcome, except to ensure that no consensus is reached?
The best strategy — WIN-WIN
- Many “battles” don’t have winners and losers –– there are just losers. Don’t look for ways to back an opponent into a corner. Instead, find ways to let each side save face. You gain nothing by making others look bad.
- Take the high ground. Remain open-minded. Look for common ground. Identify ways to compromise and find opportunities where everyone wins.
- Now hear this: Is everyone really hearing what the others are saying? Communication is a two-way street. It requires more than talking. Remember, there’s a difference between listening and hearing.
- Although it may take longer, it’s better to achieve buy-in than to be overpowering in order to achieve a short-term gain. Buy-in is best achieved with expertise, integrity, charisma, and respect rather than with authority and position.
- Remember, if you win the battle (and ruin a relationship), what have you gained?
- Trust takes a long time to develop, but can be destroyed in seconds.
Making the case
- It is important to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to find the merit in each other’s arguments.
- Presenting both sides of an argument helps you to be objective and fair.
- Repeating something over and over doesn’t make it true.
- Just because more people hold a particular view doesn’t make it right.
- Raising your voice doesn’t make an argument more convincing.
- Just because a person is silent doesn’t mean that person doesn’t have a message to convey.
- When you distort the truth, you weaken your credibility.
- Please don’t dance in the end zone when you score points. It’ll only damage the process going forward.
Be Prepared to Heal Thyself
There are a lot of good and decent people in this world who have much in common. They wake up every morning as proud parents and spouses. They build great businesses, give back to their communities, and assist those in need. They want to lead purposeful lives, provide for their families, and assure better lives for their children. It’s important to build relationships on what unites us, not fight over what divides us. We should abandon the hateful rhetoric, expose our counterfeit leaders, desert our malicious role models, and reject the disgusting greed and envy that pits us against one another.
I long for a day when our leaders bring us together rather than divide us; when people strive to better themselves rather than trying to change others; when fairness and tolerance replace weapons disguised as words; when we measure success, not by what people accumulate in life, but by what they’re able to give to others; when “the world revolves around me” gives way to being a responsible member of the “world community.” And when “win-win,” long-term relationships become the new definition of success, rather than winning at all costs.
Before we can make this a reality, keep in mind the wisdom of Bill Bluestein, who said, “Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.” But that’s my opinion.
What’s Your Opinion?
Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.
Additional Reading:
Should Your Viewpoint Matter More Than Mine?
Take The Shoe-On-The-Other-Foot Test
A Game Plan to Encourage Greater Civility
Compromise: Redefining Winning
Groupthink: What Makes You Think Others Know Better?
50 Signs of Rude Behavior
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A very interesting article – that’s not to say I agree with everything you said. And so goes the rest of the conversation as that is the nature of the world we live in.
Social media with blogging and instantaneous reproduction of opinions without context it becomes difficult to attain the principles you’ve addressed.
One quote for example from Daniel Patrick Moynihan, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.” I’m not sure I agree this is true in all circumstances. If you live in state A and I live in state B we may well have different “facts” behind our opinions on taxes, social services, economic strength, etc. That is simply because when you talk about these issues the facts in my state are, by necessity different from yours. If the topic is taxes and you live in a no state income tax location but I live in a high tax state we’ll likely not agree because the outcome based on the “facts” we experience are indeed different.
I point this out not to disagree with your article but, hopefully, to explain how there are different facts behind most people’s decisions. It all comes down to the point of your article – as I read it. Be tolerant of other’s views but keep true to your beliefs. Seek compromise but do not capitulate on your principles.
Thanks – this is a very good, well written and thought provoking discussion!
Hi Tom
Thanks for your thoughts. I understand, and agree, with what you’re saying. Here’s a twist . . .We perceive facts differently based on our backgrounds and experiences. (Or, as you say from state to state.) A fact is defined as a truth or reality. It’s fair to say that people may have different opinions of the facts, but we get into trouble when facts (or truths) are spun or mischaracterized. It may be a small point, but if we can’t agree on the facts, it’s tough to solve the issues. Thanks again for your thoughts Tom.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
I long for that same day Frank. The context, approach and processes we use for negotiating and decision making in our government in particular seem to be driving the divide deeper rather than leverage our collective intelligence and wisdom. There far too much emphaisis on being right and winning as you point out. We continue to try and over simplify a complex world and complex issues instead of taking on new ways to understand and engage with each other intelligently in the face of that complexity. The methods and tools are out there yet we cling to a model of conduct that is hundreds of years old.
Hi Sue
I agree. “Our government in particular seems to be driving the divide deeper rather than leverage our collective intelligence and wisdom.” You have to wonder what’s motivating our friends in Washington . . . country, party or personal gain? I believe if Washington made decisions in the best interest of our country, no problem would be too difficult to solve. That requires real leadership (on both sides).
Have a great day!
Frank
This is a great topic to air, Frank. I have also felt that so many have taken the “humble” out of the phrase “in my humble opinion”. In today’s socially-connected universe, I don’t think there is any place this “ME-dom of Speech” is on display more than Facebook – where we all agreed to be ‘friends’ but not necessarily grab a torch and march behind you every time there is a barn to burn. I’m not talking about the time you were reaching out to get a donation for your run/walk or that charity concert your band put on for the family in the desperate situation – this is where the social soapbox does it’s tightrope walk betwixt cyber-wallet full of kids photos and circus barker for the unorthodox event fairly well. I’m talking about YOU – Mrs. 12 out of 14 posts a day about your views on Gun Control and YOU – Mr. Conspiracy-theories becoming the premise of his existence.
I love the point you make about misconstruing silence as an answer, too. Of course whereas in social media settings we can simply choose to ignore, skip or ‘unfriend’/’unsubscribe’ to a forceful opinionator, this becomes awkward with in-person scenarios. Polarization w/o respect to opinion is growing in our country and we should focus on common ground more. Maybe debating issues was easier back in the days of leaders like Lincoln or Henry Clay “the Great Pacifier” – but I have to admit, in the 1840-50’s this country had it’s hands pretty full with big issues and polarization as well. Makes me wonder who Lincoln and Clay might have wanted to ‘unfriend’ despite their mutual respect for those on the other side of their issues.
Hi Marc
I’m so over the ranting on social media. I agree with you. “I don’t think there is any place this ‘ME-dom of Speech’ is on display more than Facebook – where we all agreed to be ‘friends’ but not necessarily grab a torch and march behind you every time there is a barn to burn.” Marc, I never thought about it before . . . why do we feel it’s appropriate to act this way on Facebook, but wouldn’t consider saying the same thing face-to-face? Maybe hiding behind a keyboard gives us comfort.
Have a great day my friend!
Frank
Much of what you represent in this post is seen all around us, Frank. Importance & wealth seems to be justified by how much misinformation or disinformation you argue or support. The essence of integrity is no longer centered on honesty, ethics or honor. Twisting and infringing on others through manipulation is vogue. Data & statistics are used in skillful self serving ways. Sales pitches appeal to converting the sale and not servicing the client. More and more specious arguments are raised to support opposing political views. We suffer from your described malaise simply because our way of life is distorted. Our values no longer oppose deceit, defamation or wonton destruction under the guise of stamping out those dastardly other people. We need your hard hitting. eye- opening, heart-stopping wake-up calls every week.
Hi Felix
Thanks so much for your thoughts. As you say, “Our values no longer oppose deceit, defamation or wonton destruction under the guise of stamping out those dastardly other people.” The first, step in curing a problem is realizing that we have one. The mission of my blog is to highlight the urgent need to reawaken personal values and personal responsibility.” I can not thank you enough for helping me spread the word with friends and colleagues. We ARE making a difference.
Have a wonderful day!
Best,
Frank
Amen! It is so hard for me to understand why we don’t go for win-win more of the time. Psychologist Jonathon Haidt says we are “90% chimp 10% bee”. The hive oriented behavior he believes has been selected for over time and society has become more successful overall as we have learned to cooperate and collaborate. His book “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided on Religion and Politics” was very illuminating to me on why is is so difficult for people to “disagree without being disagreeable.” I remain hopeful and appreciated very much your well-articulated post on how to handle disagreement.
Hi Christine
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. In my mind, people don’t go the win-win route because they’re looking for immediate gratification and can’t think beyond themselves. They’ve been taught, if you want something . . . take it. That sets up a lose-lose adversarial situation. I’ve found that win-win may take a little patience, but it’s good both in the short and long-term.
BTW, I’m going to look up the book that you mentioned. Thanks so much for for sharing 🙂
Have a great day!
Best,
Frank
I just had another moderate but modest dispute with sister always trying to force some new discovery upon me just because it worked or is working for her. I agreed with her that it was great and good she was involved in her new detox program but that I’m going to stick to what’s works best for me and that I’ll keep her suggestion on the self and revisit it when I get time to check it out. As in your article I attempted to take the high road but I was mildly attacked with accusations of my only wanting to hear what I want to and not what others are saying. I tried to explain to her as I have so many times before that you have to decide what’s for you and not jump around every time someone comes along with something new [didn’t work]. I shared with her about understanding her passion for what she wanted me to try but urged her to let me be and assured her I would be fine but she disagreed. This is a never ending saga for over 30 years and I still get caught off guard and get tangled up into her web. So I googled this subject and was tremendously relieved to read your article which brought a peace to my floating mind and I calm down from the conversation. I did a lot of the suggestions you mentioned in your article but she wasn’t buying into letting me be me. So after reading your article, I am purposing in my mind how to handle her forceful conversations in the future [she is like this with a lot of people it’s a habit she’s unaware of and I dare not try to even mention that this has been going on and on on on . Thanks I can move forward now and try to discipline myself more because over the past year I’m starting not to want to be around her and get very disgruntled when we have these differences.
Hi Gee
I understand your situation. In my mind, there are three kinds of people with strong opinions…1) Those who want you to share their excitement and passion because they care about you. 2) Those who want to convert you. 3) Those who believe they know it all. In this case, it would serve these folks well to find the merit in other people’s opinions.
Best,
Frank
Very nice article, Thanks a lot for this interesting and thought provoking presentation of your opinion…….Absolutely true…We must remain open-minded….Look for common ground. Identify ways to compromise and find opportunities where everyone wins…..It is really very very important to put oneself in the other person’s shoes. Try to find the merit in each other’s arguments….then only we can expect some positive outcome…
I would like to share two quotes here which I think are appropriate for the discussion….
‘We need to give each other, the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion’.
Max de Pree
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi
Sridevi
Thanks for sharing the quotes. I like them. They reinforce the message that I’m trying to convey.
Best,
Frank
I so agree with being respectful in conversations . Every disagreement dont have to lead in soar relationship . Humility is not weakness .
You’re right, Manorama. As I like to say, “People who disagree with you are no more stupid than you are by not agreeing with them.“
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank